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By thamike.com
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The Satire Awards Nominee (Sports Related) : 4/1/04 - 6/30/04
1 on 1 - Kobe vs Nerraux

Faux News was kind enough to arrange an interview for me with Kobe Bryant, concerning his impending trial. I found Mr. Bryant to be very relaxed, even cheerful about the situation.

Nx: Mr. Bryant, thank you for taking this time to speak with me. I know you must be keeping an extremely busy schedule at the moment.

KB: It was no problem. We managed to get this whole deal slid to the off season, and I pretty much just sit around on my ass all day when I’m not playing. I mean, I do make it off the couch in the evenings to go to drinkin’ and clubbin’, but I’m jus’ getting’ so tired these days. It’s so hard to be me. The billions of dollars really aren’t worth it.

Nx: Oh, I surely feel for you there. I write for internet satire sites, and pretty much sip my beer once per word. And you know they pay well.

KB: Word.

Kobe
"Looks like Ko-be eatin’ in tonight"

Nx: Sarcasm is lost on you. Anyway, now that the governor’s race in California is over, I guess the media’s going to be shifting their full attention to you. You’ve gotta be happy about that.

KB: You know it man! Chicks love a man on t.v., especially one that has gone to great lengths to prove how much he likes to abuse and neglect women just the way they like it. I been gettin’ my jimmy waxed every night since this started. When it goes full-scale, I’m thinkin’ "I’m gonna get served like a PIMP!”

Nx: I’m glad to hear that. I wouldn’t want a little rape to get in your way. By the way, you did rape her, right?

KB: Oh, hells yeah. She led on, then tried to call time out, but that ain’t how I work it, see? So I crunched the numbers in my head quick and decided to go ahead and take it.

Nx: Crunched the numbers?

KB: Yeah. $1 mil to buy the trial, $3 mil to settle the civil suit out of court, $1 mil to get my wife a new ring. But it’s like MasterCard, ‘cause the publicity and sex I’m getting’ outta this be priceless!

Nx: So you’re sure you’ll beat it?

KB: Look, did O.J. go to jail?

Nx: No.

KB: And did Tyson?

Nx: Actually, yes.

KB: Well, that’s too damn bad for Mike, ‘cause Kobe ain’t. I gave the judge his money, the jury will be paid off as soon as they’re named. Like I said: smooth it wit’ da lady in the civil trial, and bounce back just in time for practice. No worries.

Nx: Excellent. Well, I don’t want to keep you any longer, but thank you for your time.

KB: You have to go already? You haven’t even finished your Rohyp-…I mean, wine.

Nx: S’aight…I’m going to catch a cab…fellin’ a li’l wooz…
 
KB: That’s okay. You just lay down on my couch. Face down.
 
Nx: no…
 
KB: Usually I have to go out to find someone to rape, but it looks like Ko-be eatin’ in tonight.
 
Nx: no…
 
KB: Shhhhhhhhh.
 
Anyway, that’s about where the tape cut out, but I’m sure I had a great time. As you can see, Kobe’s innocent, because he’s rich, and that’s all that matters.

Personally, I’m just glad that the end of the California Governor race doesn’t have to mean the end of good television. God bless you, Mr. Bryant. For making the world a better place, I salute you.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Nerraux


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