Aries (March21-April 19)
Chinese mythology holds giraffes as mythical creatures. If you want good luck this week, you should pet a giraffe. If you want good luck all year, you should sneak into the pen at the zoo and hump the hell out of one before they put them away for the winter.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This is the week you e-mail the President and tell him about how you have been learning to make explosives from household chemicals to do your part to keep the country safe from terrorists.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Now that Superman is dead, it might be a good time to bust out the ole leotard and get your ass out fighting some crime. The stars say you should start honing your skills in Detroit this week.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
With winter coming, you should try keeping some nuts in your cheeks like the squirrels do. I just happen to have some here.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Your man is cheating on you and you should dump that leach as soon as you can. But you might want to get the nude photos first so they can't be posted online.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
So, you're a Virgo huh? Man, sucks to be you!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
The stars are showing me that you should buy a nice mountain cottage in Washington State. Coincidentally, I have a nice property near Mt. Saint Helens. Give me a call.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Take your finger out of your ass, you don't know where it's been.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
A tall dark stranger will walk into your life Friday night, he'll walk back out of it 14 minutes later after you blow him.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You smell terrific for someone with a gangrenous leg.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Stay out of the projects on Tuesday. They don't really like the white folk.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Your dog will run away on Friday. Great news though! I just saved 15% by switching to Geico Direct!!!

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken