LONDON
- The sleepy hamlet
of Devonshire erupted into violence
as two of Hollywood’s most infamous
“bad boys’ squared off in
a ‘no holds barred’ tavern
brawl in the Sleeping Dragon Pub.
The evening had been a quiet one.
A handful of locals had congregated
in the bar for a pint. At approximately
8:45 PM, actor Colin Farrell entered
the pub, fresh from shooting on location
in the countryside surrounding Devonshire.
He reportedly ordered a Guinness, pulled
down his pants to show his cock to the
patrons at the bar, and then calmly
sat down to begin what was described
as binge drinking.
Around 9:30 PM, the tour bus for Russell
Crowe’s band, “30 Odd Foot
Of Grunts” broke down just
outside the Sleeping Dragon. Crowe,
the star of ‘Gladiator,’
entered the pub, lit a cigarette, and
ordered a bottle of Razor’s Edge.
Almost immediately, the two actors began
sizing one another up from across the
bar.
According to an American tourist having
a meal in the pub, “The whole
place grew deathly quiet. The tension
was almost unbearable as we watched
these two stare at one another
over their beers. I couldn’t swallow
the food I had in my mouth. I
was worried the noise would startle
one of them and they’d kill me.”
Farrell was the first to break the silence
in his lilting Irish brogue, as he told
the bartender that he had “once
got through 20 ecstasy tablets, four
grams of cocaine, half an ounce of hash,
three bottles of Jack Daniel's, 12 bottles
of wine, 60 pints and 280 cigarettes
in a single week.”
Russell Crowe immediately yelled “Pussy!”,
and Farrell threw the bartender at the
39-year-old New Zealander, who batted
the incoming human missile aside with
his forehead. Unfortunately, Farrell
was already following his initial attack
with a midget that he had just finished
putting his cigarette out on.
“When I saw Crowe get hit with
that wee person I thought the fight
was already over,” said local
resident, Geoffrey Chaucer. “I
didn’t really count on Russell
recovering so quickly, but he sure got
up fast. I don’t think Farrell
expected it either, because he had stopped
to show us his cock again instead of
continuing the scrap.”
Crowe, a self-professed “one-sixteenth
Maori”, showed his ancestral character
by thumbing Farrell in the eye and biting
off his right eyebrow. Colin countered
by stomping on Russell’s kneecap
and executing the classic Irish boxing
move called, “grabbing the lucky
charms.”
“I was really torn about the outcome
of the fight,” continued Chaucer.
“I mean as an Englishman I still
saw Australia as a British Colony that
we used for prison inmates and naval
parking. I’m sure you can understand
how I feel about the Irish. I think
I was kind of hoping they’d kill
one another.”
Despite Chaucer’s hope for a fateful
end, the police soon arrived to disengage
the two combatants, although not before
five officers were assaulted with two
pool cues, one alleged table leg, and
Mrs. Stilton of Gloucester.
Representatives for Mr. Crowe and Mr.
Farrell have decided not to comment
on the incident, but the council of
Devonshire has announced that they hope
that the altercation does not reflect
badly on their town. They further added
that they hope Hollywood continues to
look at their scenic surroundings as
the perfect spot for filming.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
GhostElf
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