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Carnage
30 Odd Foot of Carnage

LONDON - The sleepy hamlet of Devonshire erupted into violence as two of Hollywood’s most infamous “bad boys’ squared off in a ‘no holds barred’ tavern brawl in the Sleeping Dragon Pub.

The evening had been a quiet one.  A handful of locals had congregated in the bar for a pint. At approximately 8:45 PM, actor Colin Farrell entered the pub, fresh from shooting on location in the countryside surrounding Devonshire. He reportedly ordered a Guinness, pulled down his pants to show his cock to the patrons at the bar, and then calmly sat down to begin what was described as binge drinking.

Around 9:30 PM, the tour bus for Russell Crowe’s band, “30 Odd Foot Of Grunts”  broke down just outside the Sleeping Dragon. Crowe, the star of ‘Gladiator,’ entered the pub, lit a cigarette, and ordered a bottle of Razor’s Edge. Almost immediately, the two actors began sizing one another up from across the bar.

According to an American tourist having a meal in the pub, “The whole place grew deathly quiet. The tension was almost unbearable as we watched these two stare at one another  over their beers. I couldn’t swallow the food I had in my mouth.  I was worried the noise would startle one of them and they’d kill me.”
Farrell was the first to break the silence in his lilting Irish brogue, as he told the bartender that he had “once got through 20 ecstasy tablets, four grams of cocaine, half an ounce of hash, three bottles of Jack Daniel's, 12 bottles of wine, 60 pints and 280 cigarettes in a single week.”

Russell Crowe immediately yelled “Pussy!”, and Farrell threw the bartender at the 39-year-old New Zealander, who batted the incoming human missile aside with his forehead. Unfortunately, Farrell was already following his initial attack with a midget that he had just finished putting his cigarette out on.

“When I saw Crowe get hit with that wee person I thought the fight was already over,” said local resident, Geoffrey Chaucer. “I didn’t really count on Russell recovering so quickly, but he sure got up fast. I don’t think Farrell expected it either, because he had stopped to show us his cock again instead of continuing the scrap.”

Crowe, a self-professed “one-sixteenth Maori”, showed his ancestral character by thumbing Farrell in the eye and biting off his right eyebrow. Colin countered by stomping on Russell’s kneecap and executing the classic Irish boxing move called, “grabbing the lucky charms.”

“I was really torn about the outcome of the fight,” continued Chaucer. “I mean as an Englishman I still saw Australia as a British Colony that we used for prison inmates and naval parking. I’m sure you can understand how I feel about the Irish. I think I was kind of hoping they’d kill one another.”

Despite Chaucer’s hope for a fateful end, the police soon arrived to disengage the two combatants, although not before five officers were assaulted with two pool cues, one alleged table leg, and Mrs. Stilton of Gloucester.

Representatives for Mr. Crowe and Mr. Farrell have decided not to comment on the incident, but the council of Devonshire has announced that they hope that the altercation does not reflect badly on their town. They further added that they hope Hollywood continues to look at their scenic surroundings as the perfect spot for filming.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
GhostElf


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