Combe,
Inc., makers of the famous Odor
Eaters shoe insert,
announced today the identity
of their next weapon in the battle
against the offenses and embarrassments
of personal odor: the office
chair that absorbs farts.
Roger Des Laurie, Combe, Inc. employee and inventor of the chair, gave
some background information to the press. “Well, I work
with Dave Pitts in Engineering. We share that tiny office, separated
only by a cubicle wall. Now, I love Dave, but my boy’s got a
gaseous stink on him that just cannot be ignored. I built a whole forest
of those car air-freshener trees hanging off of my side of the cubicle. I
started burning candles. I even got one of those mini-clip fans
and clipped it to the top of the cubicle wall pointing straight at
Dave. Nothing worked. I was at my wits’ end, plotting how I would
knock him down and kneel on his chest and howl at the moon and/or laugh
maniacally while ramming air freshener trees down ‘Sewer-Boy’s' throat… Then,
I realized I can’t [legally] control what’s going into
Dave, but maybe there was something I could do with what comes out
of Dave.”
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Des Laurie created
a technical wonder that may have saved
his sanity, and will also do the same
for office workers everywhere.
“It won’t do anything about crop-dusters,” warns Combe, Inc.
President Dick Nutmuckle. “People who fart as they walk down the rows in
a cubicle-farm will have to be stopped another way. But those who anally ‘growl’ while
seated will be able to fill their pants with that nice warm feeling without gassing
their coworkers.” |
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Too small to
see easily, microscopic gas sacks
(the lighter areas in the picture
to the left) are woven into the
fiber of the chair’s fabric.
They are activated by the static
electricity in everybody’s
clothes. When an office worker
drops a “Dirty Bomb,” positive
ions in the sacks attract the
negative “stinker cells” and
trap them inside the chair. When
the offender rises from the chair,
the sacks slowly begin to release
their offending loads over a
period of eight hours, or until
somebody sits in the chair again.
Recognizing that such a product could change the world Combe, Inc. has announced
plans to offer this technology to La-Z-Boy for incorporation
into its recliners that have been a haven for sphinctorally-weak fathers around
the world. Combe, Inc. is also entertaining partnership offers from just about
every major car manufacturer – much to the delight of children who ride
on long trips with their families on a regular basis. |
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Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Nerraux |
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