It’s
that scary
time of year again! That’s right, girlfriend! It’s
Halloween! Halloween’s
not only scary for greedy
assholes who turn off their
lights and hunker in the basement, refusing
to give up their precious, precious
candy! Not only scary for the candy-hoarding religious freaks who pass out cultish
religious pamphlets to the little ones
instead of delicious candy! It’s also scary for all those cute little ghosts ‘n
goblins
innocently trick-or-treating.
That’s correct! Just because some sociopath put razor blades in candied apples in
1973, Halloween has gone from being
innocent childhood paganism to being a day at the security checkpoint at the United
Airlines
terminal in Kennedy Airport. Needless to say, some Halloween precaution is in order.
Here are a few safety tips
to keep you and your little
ghouls safe:
* To be completely safe,
confiscate and dispose of all candy
brought home by your children upon their
arrival.
*
If you do not plan on giving
out candy during Halloween, it is imperative that you throw eggs and toilet paper at all
neighborhood teen-agers at least a week
in advance. Get the younger ones, too. This is what is known as a preemptive strike.
*
Refrain from passing out Bible-booklets
instead of candy. I’m just saying, refrain. For your own safety.
*
Don’t dress your 6 year
old daughter up all “sexy.” Seriously, what the fuck’s the matter
with you?
*
If your child begins bleeding
profusely from the mouth, please find
an alternate piece of candy.
*
BEWARE! Generic Gummy Bears give you Leprosy. Stick with Gummi
Brand.
*
If your child goes missing in
the night, don’t worry. It’s
Halloween!
Just sit back and relax. Your doorbell will ring soon enough, and
hey, free kid.
*
I don’t care what they
say.
Trying to murder a group of teenagers
while wearing that cumbersome William
Shatner mask is just not safe. No peripheral
vision.
Try a motorcycle helmet instead.
*
Never take any psychotropic drugs
on Halloween.
Ever. That goes for the kids, as well.
*
If you are in Greenwich Village
for Halloween, meet me in the men’s
room at Fez on Lafayette street at 10:30pm
sharp.
Second stall to your left.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |