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By thamike.com
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Fat Chance: The Style Section with Chance McKracken

It’s that scary time of year again!  That’s right, girlfriend!  It’s Halloween! Halloween’s not only scary for greedy assholes who turn off their lights and hunker in the basement, refusing to give up their precious, precious candy!  Not only scary for the candy-hoarding religious freaks who pass out cultish religious pamphlets to the little ones instead of delicious candy!  It’s also scary for all those cute little ghosts ‘n goblins innocently trick-or-treating.  That’s correct!  Just because some sociopath put razor blades in candied apples in 1973, Halloween has gone from being innocent childhood paganism to being a day at the security checkpoint at the United Airlines terminal in Kennedy Airport.   Needless to say, some Halloween precaution is in order. Here are a few safety tips to keep you and your little ghouls safe:

* To be completely safe, confiscate and dispose of all candy brought home by your children upon their    arrival.

* If you do not plan on giving out candy during Halloween,  it is imperative that you throw eggs and toilet paper at all neighborhood teen-agers at least a week in advance.  Get the younger ones, too.  This is what is known as a preemptive strike.

* Refrain from passing out Bible-booklets instead of candy.  I’m just saying, refrain.  For your own safety.

* Don’t dress your 6 year old daughter up all “sexy.”  Seriously, what the fuck’s the matter with you?

* If your child begins bleeding profusely from the mouth, please find an alternate piece of candy.

* BEWARE! Generic Gummy Bears give you Leprosy.  Stick with Gummi Brand.

* If your child goes missing in the night, don’t worry. It’s Halloween!  Just sit back and relax.  Your doorbell will ring soon enough, and hey, free kid.

* I don’t care what they say.  Trying to murder a group of  teenagers while wearing that cumbersome William Shatner mask is just not safe.  No peripheral vision.  Try a motorcycle helmet instead.

* Never take any psychotropic drugs on Halloween.  Ever.  That goes for the kids, as well.

* If you are in Greenwich Village for Halloween, meet me in the men’s room at Fez on Lafayette street at   10:30pm sharp.  Second stall to your left. 

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken


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