| AUSTRALIA
- A study of over 2,250
men have revealed that busting a nut
regulalry decreases the chances of contracting
prostate cancer later in life. Though
Australian scientists are still baffled
as to how any man comes down with prostate
cancer in the first place, as waxing
the dolphin is something every red-blooded
man has done at least once a day since
the age of twelve.
"You see, it works like this-"
leader of the project, Paul Hogan, explains:
"If you're not spanking the monkey,
it creates a buildup, and just like
when a bloke's drastically constipated,
it has to go somewhere. It's karma,
mate. It's your one-eyed pirate's revenge
for not treating him right. You have
to battle the cyclops at least once
a day, or you'll have an angry whang
on your hands there."
While the American school system is
hesitant to incorporate masturbation
into their middle school health classes,
that very concept is being executed
in Australian and New Zealand schools
already. Labeled "Cum on cancer,"
the program has caused a dramatic increase
in health class participation in the
countries. "Well, we teach them
about nutrition, proper exercise, play
a few games, you know, like dodgeball,
have them climb the rope, and the last
fifteen minutes of class is devoted
to teaching and applying proper masturbation
techniques." Says one Australian
health instructor.
When queried as to if there are any
roadblocks in the program, they had
this to say: "The biggest problem
we have right now is convincing the
boys that they haven't broken their
'winky.' These kids are scared shitless
the first few times. Also, some of them
ask if they should taste their own jism,
but, despite it being an excellent source
of protein, we decided to discourage
that behavior. I mean, really, with
people knowing us more for Steve Irwin
than anything else, can our Australia
afford to get any gayer? I think not."
In related news, not one of the two
thousand plus men have gone blind during
this study. Your mother was wrong, and
doesn't love you.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Michael
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