| Jamie
Oliver, the principal of Amanda E. Stoudt
Elementary warmly welcomed the honorary
judge, but as he went to hand Crue the
note cards with the night’s words,
Zuecrue disdainfully declined.
“I think I’ll know if the
kids are right. You just give
em’ the words and I’ll make
the call. Now let’s get
this show started before I punch you
in your fat face.”
A browbeaten Oliver began
the contest by asking fifth grader Matt
Weeler to spell “couch”.
The young man coughed quietly into the
microphone, and there was an overwhelming
silence as he began. “Couch.
K-O-W-T-C-H. Couch.”
“It’s GOOD!” yelled
Zuecrue, throwing his hands up to signify
a hard-earned field goal. Faux-Newz Staff writer Russell Paika could
hardly contain himself in all the excitement,
leaping to his feet to yell, “That’s
my boy!”
Natalie Hole was the next fifth grader
to make their way to the microphone,
and she was asked to spell “technique.”
The young girl paused before asking
to hear the word in a sentence.
Zuecrue quickly stepped up to bat for
Natalie and provided her an example.
“Yo, check out my technique,”
he said.
Principal Oliver snorted derisively
but received an immediate response of
“What’s your problem fag?”
from theCrue. Although visibly
shaken, Natalie began to make her attempt.
“Technique. T-E-C-H-N-I-Q-U-E.
Technique.”
“Sorry Natalie,” said Zuecrue.
“It’s spelled T-E-C-H-N-I-C.”
Jamie Oliver leapt to his feet immediately.
“This is preposterous!”
he shouted. The climax of the
evening was upon us, as Zuecrue called
the principal a fag and punched him
in the throat.
Although we had to leave the school
quickly, I would like to take the time
to thank Jamie Oliver and the students
of Amanda E. Stoudt Elementary for asking
the Faux-Newz Staff to participate in
their event. We hope that we can
continue to provide the community with
public service work, and we look forward
to our next honorarium. The Crue
would also like to apologize for any
damage that was done.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
GhostElf
"GhostElf
would like it to be understood that
the half naked man appearing in the
photo is not Zuecrue, but an artistic
interpretation of what such an event
might look like. The real Zuecrue does
not look at all like the "fag"
featured here, and would undoubtedly
punch GhostElf in the throat if anyone
assumed that it was him."
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