WASHINGTON,
D.C. - According to
doctors from Johns Hopkins, President
George W. Bush has been suffering flashbacks
to his time of service during the Trojan
War conflict, some three millennia after
the actual event. At this time the White
House is mum on why exactly the president
should be suffering such delusions.
"We think it may be a manifestation
of his guilt over ducking service in
Vietnam," Joe Lockhart of the
Kerry/Edwards campaign said to the press
Tuesday. "He just felt so bad
that he had to manufacture a wholelyfictional
war record to stand behind, and have
nightmares about."
Bush spokesman Sean Hannity took time
out from his busy schedule of killing
off perceived "enemies" of
the state to rant that "President
Bush says he's having flashbacks that
haunt him, and I believe him. You never
hear John Kerry rant and rave about
any of his Trojan War flashbacks, now
do you?" Hannity then proceeded
to cut down a Redwood with his bare
hands, before cackling madly into the
night.
Experts say that Bush, who was born
in 1946, is chronologically unable to
experience any flashbacks to events
such as the Trojan War. Indeed, previous
evidence showed that the president had
been unable to recall events prior to
1986, when he became a born-again Christian
after decades of partying and doping.
So the president's recent relapses into
what he calls "the golden age
of brave Ulysses" strikes most
as questionable.
According to medical records released
in conjunction with the Johns Hopkins
press conference, Bush had claimed that
he was "a bloodthirsty Greek spear
thrower" who came to Troy with
a company from Sparta. He talked for
hours on end of various scenes from
his days as a soldier, including the
decision to supposedly "sail for
the isle of Lesbos" on the tip
that many available women lived there.
Further into his sessions, Bush recalled
seeing the ancient beauty Helen of Troy,
who "was just plain homely"
in the president's eyes. Bush said he
was at the scene for the death of Achilles,
and that he had been one of the chosen
to ride into the city in the fabled
Trojan Horse.
Experts strongly believe that Bush is
not capable of having served in the
Trojan War, and much of the more mythical
claims he has made (such as the interference
of several gods and goddesses of ancient
Greek culture) are dismissed as "simple
superstition". There is a school
of thought that Bush may have experienced
his flashbacks as a way of discovering
a past life, or that he simply had too
much Chow Mein from the Chinese place
around the corner while watching the
summer flop "Troy"
and confused his memories of the film
with actual experiences he may have
had. At this point, it's hard for experts
to tell.
President Bush has been ordered by his
doctors to begin a treatment for his
visions with medicinal marijuana. Johns
Hopkins officials add that having the
president "toke up"
will have no side effects, other than
an appetite for hot dogs and a desire
to invade other countries simply because
he can.
Bush was last seen in public Thursday,
when he had to be restrained by security
guards at his own campaign event. Bush
claimed that he wished to return to
his lovely Penelope on the island of
Ithica, but managed to get as far as
Ithica, New York. The White House staff
is under orders not to discuss "anything
Greek or things of this nature"
in Bush's presence for at least a week
after he starts his treatment.
Written
& Submitted by
Trev Danger, Washington Correspondent |