Aries (March21-April 19)
The expression... "Excuse me waiter, there's a Penis in my soup!" will easily flow off your tongue on Thursday.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Buyer beware... Or in your case... GET THE FUCK OUT of that car dealership as fast as possible. If you don't you will die in a fireball of a explosion when a school bus rear ends your new/used Pinto.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Just cause you're Latino, don't let the kids at school trick you into being the Pinyata.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
27 toothless midgets will gum you to death.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Sometimes it's great to be you. Not this Saturday though... You will die.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
I don't like Libra's! I wish you all would get AIDS and fuck each other to death... Holy shit! My crystal ball shows me that this will in fact happen sooner than I thought. Thank you crystal ball!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
John Kerry likes sandwiches. Mmmmm sandwiches... I'm hungry!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Promising your mom that you will not have unprotected sex with your girlfriend is ok. However make sure you have unprotected sex with that goat on Tuesday. It will feel terrific you goat fucker.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Test your radon levels in your house, it's probably why you can't get her preggers. It's also probably has something to do with your 3 headed iguana.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Tempest Fuget (Time Flies) when your not in prison. Stay away from all banks on Friday.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
It's 5:01pm and the stars told me to write a cryptic message here that is very important and significant to the out come of your very existence. Sorry, I only work from 9am -5pm.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken