Washington D.C. - The rampage that former Fox News anchor (and current guerilla warrior) Sean Hannity began with the murder of liberal co-host Alan Colmes has continued, this week with the murder of Crossfire host Tucker Carlson outside the CNN studios in Washington, DC.

Carlson, 35, had just finished conceding the argument yet again to liberal co-host Paul Begala and gone outside for a smoke break when the familiar simian form of Hannity, 42, suddenly blotted out the sun. Witnesses say Hannity yelled something about tool of the liberal media! as he pummeled Carlson's skull against the pavement. Security arrived too late to apprehend Hannity, who fled the scene aboard Dick Cheney's campaign bus. Carlson was pronounced dead on arrival at St. George's Folly Hospital around 6 PM, EST.

The attack marks the second act of violence Hannity has taken against his perceived enemies, and police theorize that he picked Carlson because, while a conservative, he was employed by Fox's chief competitor CNN. The tow-headed Alex Keaton clone, according to sources, seemed to Hannity to be nothing more than a punk kid who made the conservative movement look bad.

I'm just flabbergasted as to why he would pick Tucker, former CNN chairman Ted Turner said of Hannity's actions Friday. I mean, they're on the same damn side! Maybe it's just latent homosexual desires on the part of Mr. Hannity. We all wanted to cuddle up next to Tucker, have him read us the Sunday papers, wipe the drool from our chins...

Meanwhile, DC police aren't sure they can prevent another pundit homicide in time. We feel Mr. Hannity is hard to profile, and that his next victim could really be any of the visible talking heads on the networks, DC Chief William Abvergass said, noting later that he did not feel any of the former members of the band Talking Heads were in danger (as an Associated Press correspondent erroneously reported after the press conference).

Police remind citizens to stay vigilant, and look out for any large, overtly angry, possibly in-the-closet simian-like males who exude noxious fumes and like to call Bill Maher a liberal. Sources close to CNN say that Carlson's family has offered a free dinner at Chuckie Cheese to anyone who provides information of Hannity's whereabouts.

Written & Submitted by
Trev Danger - Washington Correspondent
(and potential Vice-Presidential nominee of the Green Party)