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By thamike.com
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Worst Massacre in U.S. History Thanks to WEZY

WASHINGTON, D.C. - News reports out of nearby Chevy Chase, Maryland, indicate that a practical joke played on a suburban IRS employee has led to the worst single-day massacre in modern American history. It all began with a prank phone call from WEZY's Wacky Morning Crew at 7:30 AM on Tuesday, the 21st.
 
Police say that Dwayne Brewer, 39, was enjoying a quiet day off when he was called by WEZY's Marty the Snake and Jeff Piss Boy as part of their daily "Wacky Morning Crew Bad Phone Call of The Day". Mr. Brewer had been set up by his co-workers at the Washington home offices of the Internal Revenue Service, and that they figured it would be hilarious to hear him "scream like a girl", said one unidentified co-worker.
 
The Snake and Piss Boy pretended to be agents with the FBI who were calling Mr. Brewer to ask if he had noticed any of his co-workers "acting strangely." The mild-mannered accountant had recently viewed John Carpenter's 1982 film "The Thing" the night before, and was already on guard due to the sudden chill in the morning air that seemed to him artic-like. (The film concerns a group of U.S. scientists who have to contend with an alien carnivore on the polar caps).
 
Mr. Brewer, according to The Snake, walked right into their next question, "do you feel threatened by your co-workers when they're acting strange?" Piss Boy was supposed to say the punchline "there's a spider on your back" at this point, but Brewer dropped the phone in hysterics and left his house, carrying his brand-new AK-47.
 
Brewer was not seen again until some thirty minutes later, when he stormed his workplace and opened fire on the employees present. Mr. Brewer, according to witnesses, kept mumbling something about "they're all out to get me!" as he fired several clips into the walls. When he was finally subdued by a SWAT team, Mr. Brewer's total number of victims numbered 37 dead and dying, with a further 23 wounded and in serious condition. Mr. Brewer's tally was unquestionably higher due to the presence of Mrs. Reamer's kindergarden class from Green Acres Elementary, who were on a field trip to the IRS to learn how to avoid getting fucked by the government.
 
Officials with WEZY deny that they set out to trigger Mr. Brewer's rampage, but the segment rated high with "The Snake and Piss Boy" internet site members, as well as members of "Bill O'Reilly.com"'s premium club.
 
The total impact of Mr. Brewer's spree cannot be measured accurately, however, without mention of another morning DJ-inspired bloodbath, when a housewife from Wyoming was told her refrigerator was running (and that she'd better catch it) in 1967. The ensuing rampage she caused led to 35 deaths in Nebraska alone, as well as the fall of Saigon to the North Vietnamese.

Written & Submitted by
Trev Danger, Washington Correspondent
(WEZY's "Easy Listening Steve" on the Afternoon Jazz Drive)


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