WASHINGTON,
D.C. - News reports
out of nearby Chevy Chase, Maryland,
indicate that a practical joke played
on a suburban IRS employee has led to
the worst single-day massacre in modern
American history. It all began with
a prank phone call from WEZY's Wacky
Morning Crew at 7:30 AM on Tuesday,
the 21st.
Police say that Dwayne Brewer, 39, was
enjoying a quiet day off when he was
called by WEZY's Marty the Snake and
Jeff Piss Boy as part of their daily
"Wacky Morning Crew Bad Phone
Call of The Day". Mr. Brewer
had been set up by his co-workers at
the Washington home offices of the Internal
Revenue Service, and that they figured
it would be hilarious to hear him "scream
like a girl", said one unidentified
co-worker.
The Snake and Piss Boy pretended to
be agents with the FBI who were calling
Mr. Brewer to ask if he had noticed
any of his co-workers "acting
strangely." The mild-mannered
accountant had recently viewed John
Carpenter's 1982 film "The
Thing" the night before, and
was already on guard due to the sudden
chill in the morning air that seemed
to him artic-like. (The film concerns
a group of U.S. scientists who have
to contend with an alien carnivore on
the polar caps).
Mr. Brewer, according to The Snake,
walked right into their next question,
"do you feel threatened by
your co-workers when they're acting
strange?" Piss Boy was supposed
to say the punchline "there's
a spider on your back" at this
point, but Brewer dropped the phone
in hysterics and left his house, carrying
his brand-new AK-47.
Brewer was not seen again until some
thirty minutes later, when he stormed
his workplace and opened fire on the
employees present. Mr. Brewer, according
to witnesses, kept mumbling something
about "they're all out to get
me!" as he fired several clips
into the walls. When he was finally
subdued by a SWAT team, Mr. Brewer's
total number of victims numbered 37
dead and dying, with a further 23 wounded
and in serious condition. Mr. Brewer's
tally was unquestionably higher due
to the presence of Mrs. Reamer's kindergarden
class from Green Acres Elementary, who
were on a field trip to the IRS to learn
how to avoid getting fucked by the government.
Officials with WEZY deny that they set
out to trigger Mr. Brewer's rampage,
but the segment rated high with "The
Snake and Piss Boy" internet site
members, as well as members of "Bill
O'Reilly.com"'s premium club.
The total impact of Mr. Brewer's spree
cannot be measured accurately, however,
without mention of another morning DJ-inspired
bloodbath, when a housewife from Wyoming
was told her refrigerator was running
(and that she'd better catch it) in
1967. The ensuing rampage she caused
led to 35 deaths in Nebraska alone,
as well as the fall of Saigon to the
North Vietnamese.
Written
& Submitted by
Trev Danger, Washington Correspondent
(WEZY's "Easy Listening Steve"
on the Afternoon Jazz Drive) |