SACRAMENTO, CA - In a press conference this week, action movie star and California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger launched into a half hour diatribe about the delicate art of copping a feel as well as a quick note on weight room gang-bang etiquette.

“If you are in a grocery store, the best place for a stealth maneuver is in the canned foods department,” Arnold said. “They keep a lot of the cans on the bottom shelf. If you whisk by very quickly at the right moment, you can get a healthy handful of that sweet, sweet ass.”

He also advocated the “three-fingered goose” approach when engaging in a good grope. “It maximizes the chance of ‘through-the-pants penetration,’” he said. “Especially if the woman is wearing lycra exercise pants.”

Schwarzenegger then paused to wipe the sweat off of his brow. “Seriously,” he added, “You can feel everything under lycra.” He also elaborated on maneuvers such as “The Stealth Marine” and “Accidentally Dropping My Fork At Spago.”

On Oct. 7, voters will decide whether to toss Democratic Gov. Gray Davis out of office and, in a second part of the ballot, pick a replacement from 135 names in case the recall is approved. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Republican front runner in the California gubernatorial recall race, and as far as the polls are concerned, a seemingly far more effective Ass-Grabber than Davis.

When asked his opinion on the polls, Gray Davis was confident about his Pervert status. “I have grabbed many an ass, many a lovely ass,” he stated outside the Santa Monica Civic Center on Friday afternoon. “That ‘Three Fingered Goose’ is the oldest trick in the book. I bet Arnold’s never heard of the ‘Block Kick’.”

When asked about Schwarzenegger’s stance on lycra, Davis replied, “He should try bicycle pants. Grab an ass in a pair of those, and the girl’s liable to jump three feet in the air.”

Despite Davis’ confidence in his campaign to remain Governor, a recent LA Times/ABC news poll shows that 65% of Californians believe that Arnold Schwarzenegger has more weight room gang-bang experience, which is an important requirement in obtaining the keys to the State House.

Schwarzenegger is quoted as saying, “If you corner them between the bench press and the rowing machines, most likely they will start to think a gang-bang is better than attempted escape.” However, when press officials queried Davis about his stance on weight room gang-bangs, he declined comment, and briskly entered his waiting limousine.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika