Dear
Zuecreu,
I have had a little problem
maybe you can help me out with. I've
been trying to lose weight now for years.
No matter what I do nothing seems to
work. I tried diet pills, eating less
then usual, and even thought about doing
that stomach stapling.
What can I do to lose
some weight fast?
Please help me out!
A lil' too big
Little Rock, Arkansas
OK Let's Start
The Healing You Fucking Losers
Dear
A lil' too Big,
First of all, Lil' and big do not
belong together, to explain your predicament.
Secondly, you never once mentioned
exercising. What are you, some lazy
fat pig? Get off your tub-o jell-o
ass and try walking, or lifting weights.
I don't know if you realize it or
not, but lifting the slice of pizza
to your over sized mouth is not the
definition of working out. Neither
is walking to the fridge for left-overs.
Pills can work, but only if you buy
the special "I'm-an-idiot-for-buying-weight-loss-pills-and-to-lazy-to-do-the-work-myself
special bottled water" to wash
the pills down. You seem pretty stupid,
so I will be more than happy sell
this "special" water to
you. I accept payments thru Pay Pal.
Now, eating less is
a good start. Eating "less then
usual" can mean a lot of different
things, though. If eating less then
usual is 2 buckets of chicken and
a case of biscuits and a diet coke,
instead of 2 and a half buckets, a
case and a half of biscuits, and a
straight coke, your not even fooling
the KFC punk at the counter.
Look. Get up off of your ass, eat
a well proportioned meal, and start
off with some simple walking around
the block. As far as losing weight
fast is concerned, I suggest wiring
your mouth shut, keeping your fridge
at your mom’s house, getting
rid of the car, stapling your stomach,
putting mirrors on all your walls,
ceilings, and floors, and walk around
naked.
If you want to do all of this with
the notion that, one fine day, you'll
lose some weight and be able to get
any guy/girl you want, e-mail me when
you reach this goal and you're at
your ideal weight. Then we can work
on getting you a personality to go
with your new look.
Hope it helped,
Zuecreu
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