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By thamike.com
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The Satire Awards Nominee (Best Headline) : 4/1/04 - 6/30/04
Tiger Makes Magician's Face Disappear

LAS VEGAS, NV - Famed illusionist Roy Horn of the not quite ambiguously gay duo “Siegfried and Roy” remains in fucked up condition after being mauled by a white tiger during a performance at the Mirage hotel-casino.

Witnesses claim the 600-pound feline lunged at Horn, who tried desperately to beat the animal off with a rubber dildo, but failed miserably. The cat proceeded to drag the badly injured man off the stage, presumably to consume him.

Powell

“It was just horrible,” said audience member Mat Weeler. “All I saw was hundreds of sequins and pieces of a feather boa exploding into the air around Roy as the tiger attacked him. I wanted to run on stage and help him, but that animal looked pissed and I didn’t want to get my nuts bitten. The tiger could have hurt me too.”

The animal’s stranglehold on Horn was broken, when a group of technicians rushed the stage with fire extinguishers, dousing the flaming Roy and angry pussy.

The tiger, a seven-year-old male named Montecore, is currently being held in quarantine at the hotel. Although many people are praying for the best outcome to this horrible tragedy, there has been vocalized outrage concerning the incident.

A spokesperson for PETA announced in a statement to the press that the incident “was an example of nature’s justice.” The ignorant hippy went on to say that, “Horn got exactly what he deserved. The ignoble treatment of any animal as endangered as the tiger is an outrage to PETA, and we believe that Siegfried and Roy are the world’s ringleaders of tiger degradation. Furthermore, we feel that Montecore should be given a medal for his heroic action against oppression.”

Siegfried and Roy’s longtime manager, Bernie Yungmen, expressed anger over PETA’s stance on the attack. “I don’t know how those tree hugging whale fuckers can be so callous after this tragedy. Those fucking tigers live in a goddamn mansion, and do whatever they please. Would you rather chase ibex around the Serengeti, or live with a pair of old fruits in their humongous pad? I mean…come on.”

In a strange case of one-upmanship, the Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders (GLAD), announced that they plan to sue the white tiger involved in the attack for perpetrating a hate crime. The director of GLAD, Gary Balsak, told the press “the animal in question is clearly guilty of a vicious attack, motivated by hatred. We believe that the animal may have been involved in a Neo-Nazi, or Skinhead group. In any case it’s definitely a fascist.”

Montecore was unavailable for comment, although he was seen playing black jack in the high rollers section of the casino less than 2 hours after the attack.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
GhostElf


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