Aries
(March21-April 19)
You will find that you have been living
in your own little world, when you are
dragged, kicking and screaming, from
it by a pack of angry Neo-Nazis.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You idiot! Those phone calls are coming
from inside your home! Get the fuck
out!
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Never mind what everyone else says.
You are a real jack-ass.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Trying to be more romantic is a great
idea, but testing your methods on the
bathroom attendant is not.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You tell that same joke at every party.
Seriously, it’s getting a little
annoying.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
The stars don’t know what happened
to your car keys. Why don’t
you try looking in the freezer again?
I’m sure they’ll be there
this time.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Love is in the air, which is probably
why your room-mate keeps leaving the
window open.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
This week, you can pride yourself on
your practicality and wisdom. However,
no one else is impressed.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The priest will not be impressed, this
week, when you call for Jihad during
Sunday Mass.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You will be killed in a freak subway
accident at precisely 8:45am this morning.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Just because you stick feathers in your
ass doesn’t make you a chicken.
Leave those poor bastards at the KFC
Drive-Thru window alone.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You will find that being a hard-nosed
traditionalist will get you nowhere
in next week’s hot tub orgy.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |