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Fat Chance: Chance McKracken's Horoscope!

Aries (March21-April 19)
You will find that you have been living in your own little world, when you are dragged, kicking and screaming, from it by a pack of angry Neo-Nazis.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You idiot! Those phone calls are coming from inside your home! Get the fuck out!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Never mind what everyone else says. You are a real jack-ass.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Trying to be more romantic is a great idea, but testing your methods on the bathroom attendant is not.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You tell that same joke at every party. Seriously, it’s getting a little annoying.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

The stars don’t know what happened to your car keys.  Why don’t you try looking in the freezer again? I’m sure they’ll be there this time.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Love is in the air, which is probably why your room-mate keeps leaving the window open.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
This week, you can pride yourself on your practicality and wisdom. However, no one else is impressed.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The priest will not be impressed, this week, when you call for Jihad during Sunday Mass.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You will be killed in a freak subway accident at precisely 8:45am this morning.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Just because you stick feathers in your ass doesn’t make you a chicken. Leave those poor bastards at the KFC Drive-Thru window alone.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You will find that being a hard-nosed traditionalist will get you nowhere in next week’s hot tub orgy.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken


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