Robert
Durst, a millionaire who shot his neighbor,
then cut him up and threw him into Galveston
Bay, was found innocent by the O.J.
Simpson jury this week. "After
4 days of deliberation over a cold one,
make that a few cold ones, we decided,
'what the hell,'" said juror number
10 who asked to remain anonymous, but
whose name is Patricia Clark. "I
mean, come on, they didn't even find
the fucking head, man, you know, man,"
added Jim Johnson, or juror number 4
as he asked to be called to protect
is anonymity.
Mr. Durst, to his credit, did admit
to committing the heinous crime, and,
according to reports, seemed shocked
at the verdict. At the exact moment
when Durst was feeling this shock, every
single other person in the world uttered
the phrase "what the fuck?"
under their breath, constituting the
largest mass exhale in the history of
the world.
"The 2nd night was the best,"
stated Juror number 9, whose Christian
name is Fred Robinson, "we got
so fucked up, it was crazy, (deep breath)
really crazy." Not all of the jurors
were in the party mood during the trial
and deliberation. "No way, I don't
drink. I just went home and read the
newspaper, more specifically, only the
parts having to do with the Robert Durst
trial," added juror number 12,
who lives at 3477 Oak Tree Lane and
drives a red Chevy Blazer with a boutique
license plate reading "LAYDKILLR".
Durst was first apprehended while trying
to shoplift a five dollar sandwich.
He had $5000 cash in his pocket at the
time. When notified of this fact, officials
at the American Foundation for Attention
Deficit Disorder released a statement,
it read, "Holy shit, that guy is..."
then they trailed off and went to get
lunch.
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