Aries
(March21-April 19)
Your flourescent orange hunting jacket
will prove to be useless, when you are
accidentally shot by Muppet hunters.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your political career will be ruined
when the media discovers that video
tape with you and the horse.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Kinky sex with an albino will not meet
your expectations, Saturday.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
No matter what you may have thought
in the past, the sounds of screaming
teenage girls upon your arrival are
not screams of joy.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
They’re mocking you behind your
back in Spanish, you know.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Everything’s going to work out
just fine, as long as the sale at Home
Depot means everything to you.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
I don't think you really want me to
go on with this. Trust me, it's for
your own good.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
That comment you made to Cindy in Human
Resources about her weight will come
back to bite you in the ass.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Look at the bright side, there are many
new wonderful treatments for horrifyingly
grotesque strains of psoriasis.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The majority has spoken. Please quit
the street mime business.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
“Copacetic” is not a word
that you should use to describe your
love-life, because “copacetic”
is a nonsense word that only Bruce Dern
and Poli-Sci professors are allowed
to use.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Give me your wallet. If you turn around,
I’ll shoot you. That’s it.
Give it up. And the ring. Good. Count
to 30 before you move. Even blink within
that time, I’ll put a cap in your
ass. Happy Thanksgiving, motherfucker.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |