Attorney General John Ashcroft announced yesterday that Johnnie Blackstone, the little boy who played Rudolph in last year's Meadville Elementary School play, has been detained and sent to Cuba under statutes laid out by the Patriot Act. Ashcroft released a statement stating, “That little fucking bastard came up to me and spilled the top scoop of his cookies and cream ice cream cone on to my shoes. If that isn't terrorism, what the hell is?
 
 In a conjoining statement released by Johnnie, the cutest little guy in the whole world, he expounded his innocence, stating in the cutest voice you've ever heard, ”I like ice cream, trucks, and Scooby.”
 
To which Ashcroft replied, “See? There it is right there. We cannot have our nation's youth rotting in front of some 'television' watching some 'show.' We have to fight with all the might of this great and powerful nation to end fun and civil rights. A government that cannot arrest at will with no motive or explanation is a government that is as flaccid as my limp penis.”