In
the end Faux-Newz negotiated a deal
in which we would receive ONE MILLION
copies of the pop princess’ third
album “Britney,” that Lynne
herself had purchased. That, however,
is neither here nor there. We
are in the presence of pop royalty and
after the customary bow and curtsy,
we’re allowed to sit with the
southern fried diva.
Faux-Newz:
Britney, a lot of people in the industry
are saying this album is make-or-break
for you, how are you coping with the
pressure?
Britney:
(moves her lips for
a while and then beams a brilliant smile
at us)
Faux-Newz:
Excuse me?
Britney:
sbguvhud ri hrd b ftpo kd rdrpa nn tiano
ofp
(Faux-Newz looks at the handler who
has scurried into the picture for translation.
He rushes over to a nearby CD player
and smacks it.)
Britney:
How are you, nice to meet you.
(lips continue to move well beyond the
greeting)
Faux-Newz:
You said you weren’t a girl, not
yet a woman on your last album, but
your old friend Christina has created
a dirrty image in that same space and
your ex Justin is now known as the Trousersnake,
did you feel you had to get sexier on
this album?
Britney:
That’s a good question, I took
some time off because I felt like I
needed a break from my hectic career
(lips still moving)
(A handler comes and grabs Britney brusquely
by the arm, worrying the dimunitive
Southern belle, they leave for a minute
and Brit returns all smiles.)
Faux-Newz:
Is every alright?
Britney: Yeah,
sometimes I run, sometimes I cry, sometimes
I get pulled away (she laughs).
Would you like a tour of my apartment?
Faux-Newz:
(Imagining the possibilities) Sure.
(She puts on Louis Vuitton bunny slippers
and walks Faux-Newz toward the hallway
which bisects the penthouse.)
Faux-Newz:
Y’know the public wants to know,
Britney, how is your live life?
Britney:
I’m so glad you asked me that,
I did not have sexual relations with
that man, Mr. Timberlake.
Faux-Newz:
What? He’s been saying you
did for months why haven’t you
come out with this info sooner?
Britney:
Well, I mean he was there, but it was
more like sex with Wade Robson featuring
Justin Timberlake, he performed my orgasms
with that falsetto of his, because I
was usually busy reading scripts or
learning a new song.
(Britney leads us to the kitchen and
Faux-Newz gets the distinct feeling
its being watched, she walks to the
opposite side of the kitchen and from
behind Faux News streams in twelve sweaty
dancers dressed as irrepressible street
urchins.)
Britney:
(gyrating and dancing around cabinet
doors as the dancers grind their bodies
onto her, the Mickey Mouse club-alum
starts singing something that sounds
curiously like her new single):
It’s hot in here, can I get you
something to drink
A coke, a beer, got yellow lemonade,
I’m out of the pink
A good review, start up my Porsche we
can head to the bank
Make out with you, like Joey Fatone
and Justin Timberlake
(The music, piped in from God knows
where, stops, the dancers flee and Faux-Newz
is right behind them, Britney may want
to get in a zone, all we want to do
is get in a cab.)
Written
& Submitted by
Blacklabel
|
