VIRGINIA
BEACH, VA - Late last
week, the jury in the infamous sniper
trial went in to chambers to deliberate
about the fate of defendant John Allen
Muhammed.
“There should be no discussion
about the guilt or innocence of the
defendant,” instructed the judge.
“Guilt has already been established.
The only thing you have to decide
is the proper punishment for this
heinous crime.”
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Candyman
To Jury: "Say My Name"
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The judge went on
to explain that because the defendant
was eligible for the death penalty,
the jury was going to have to weigh
that option in the decision. He also
mentioned that because of the particularly
heinous nature of these crimes, an
additional decision would have to
be made if the death penalty was chosen:
the executioner.
“It is so important that the
punishment fit the crime in this case,
that for the first time ever we have
held auditions for the executioner,”
explained the judge. Then, the bailiff
introduced the two men chosen as candidates:
Candyman and Hellraiser.
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“Both
of these men are known for their exquisite
talent in the matters of death. Both
are fully willing and able to carry
out this punishment the way it should
be done. Go, discuss, and choose.
If you choose death, choose your candidate
for the job.”
It’s hard to tell which way
the jury will go. Candyman’s
infamous hook and kisses of bees have
been feared for years. However, Hellraiser
does offer the capacity to make the
punishment last for an eternity.
In related news, Freddy Kreuger and
Child’s Play’s Chucky
appear to be front runners as punishment
distribution specialists when Muhammed’s
partner Lee Malvo comes to trial next
spring.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Nerraux
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Pinhead
Ready To Aim On Sniper
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