"I looked at dee fiya, and I said, 'Look here, fiya, you are not needed heya! Is dis das weiner roast? NEIN! I see not small children with zee hotdogs and zee mawshmellows, with zee singing and zee holding of hands. NEIN!' And then I summoned my strength as Conan zee Barbarian, and I RAMMED MY FIST INTO IT'S STOMACH. 'IT'S NOT A TOOMAH, IT'S ME KICKING YO'ASS!' And zee fiya backed off like a little whiney man, just like Michael Biehn, and all zee little cuntmuffin bastads I have beaten into zee earth."
 
A heroic story indeed, but California firefighter Gabriel Mueck had a different tale to tell:
 
"Well, yeah, it started rainin' and that pretty much took care of the fire. I did see the Governor pounding on a smoldering stump and screaming something like 'töten sie die juden' or something like that, but we figured it'd be better to just leave him to his own devices. He's the governor and all, so I'm sure he was doing something important. He went at it for a good two hours or so, too. He pummeled the holy hell out of that stump, I can tell you that much."
 
Faux-Newz will have more on this story as it develops.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Michael