Aries (March21-April 19)
The stars say that you are a vain, self-absorbed asshole. But that's just what the stars say.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
DUCK!!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You will be replaced by a cooler, longer lasting breath mint.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Your dreams will come true, this month. That is, if your dream was to become the grill man at Taco Bell.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
All of your life's hard work will come to fruition, when  you are finally dubbed the "Burger King."  A cardboard hat may be involved.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Seriously man,  Nobody even cares. 

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Try to forget about the bodies. They'll just get in the way of your real priorities.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You will meet a dark and mysterious stranger, who will promptly stab youand take all of your money.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
That bitch, Janice, from corporate is talking soooo much shit about you in the breakroom.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You've heard that you have a great sense of humor, but you will find that throwing children into the zoo's eel tank is not humorous to some people.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your love life may become complicated this month, when you are kidnapped by the P.L.O.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Unfortunately, the stars say that you will never, ever get laid again. Sorry.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken