Fitzgerald, author of What the Animals Tell Me, claims that here lately animals have been telling her "how freaked out they are at seeing their owners doing the nasty.
 
"I was talking to a three-year-old shih tzu at Starbucks the other day," said Fitzgerald. "She told me it was unbelievably stressful to watch her owners bumping uglies two or three times a week."
 
Fitzgerald explained that small breeds like the shiz tzu can be especially traumatized by the sight of two people having it off because "human genitalia appear threateningly large to a small dog. If you think about the difference between a shiz tzu's penis and the average human's penis, even the below-average penis, you can see what I'm talking about."
 
Because small breeds cannot jump off the bed without injuring themselves, they have no place to hide when festivities break out, said Fitzgerald. "The poor shiz tzu told me that even if she turns her head and closes her eyes, ‘They make so much noise I can't ignore them.' I felt so sorry for that little dog. When her ‘mother' starts calling for God, the dog has no way of knowing that her mother isn't being hurt.
 
People who give pet names to their genitals "compound the trauma," said Fitzgerald. "This shiz tzu was a nervous wreck because she thought there was a bald-headed man that her mommy was supposed to kiss hiding somewhere under the covers."
 
Although she was keen to impress upon her audience the dangers of letting animals watch, Fitzgerald reassured one caller from Alabama "that there was no harm in humans watching animals going at it doggy style if that's what bastes your turkey."

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Phil Maggitti