Becoming “gainfully employed”
has nothing to do with gorging yourself
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Flattery will get you nowhere,
yet mockery could quite possibly earn
you a hand-job. They’re always
better when your partner’s
angry with you.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Blaming the Teletubbies’
influence for the horrific and brutal
murder of your family will prove fruitful,
as Mark Geragos is your attorney.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Wearing the Klan hood on the airplane
will open up your eyes
to a whole new world of interesting
people. People who’ll subsequently
kill you with their carry-on luggage,
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
They might have made fun of you in the
beginning, but your’s actually
does go to 11.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Everyone says you are truly the
greatest kisser. However,
your loved ones , as well as several
professionals, insist that you vacate
the sloth cage at the City Zoo.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
absolutely NOTHING to do with geographical
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Your week will end in tragedy when it
finally dawns on you that “Encino
Man” not only sucked, but
it made you suck ,too.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You will wake up next to a well oiled
Paul Reubens impersonator on Saturday.
The weird part is that you will be
disappointed that he is not in
fact, Paul Reubens.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Life will become a bit more complicated
this week, when your furniture gets
fed up with you and moves out, taking
the pets with them.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You’d probably have fewer “Kafka
dreams,” If you weren’t
a distant relative of Franz Kafka.
Or ate pizza right before bed.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Next time you stand up for your rights,
make sure you check how much ceiling
space you have first.
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer