And you know what that means, white folks! That's right! It's that special day that you can spend feeling guilty for something you didn't do. And if your name is James Earl Ray...Well you're fucked anyway, pal. Here's ten things you middle class honkies can do to spruce up your MLK day:

1. Hug all the black people you see today, even if they are armed. No wimpy hug, either. Throw in that mid-hug squeeze for extra sincerity.

2. Paint yourself up a la Al Jolson and introduce yourself as Pickaninny Pete. Use a megaphone for emphasis.

3. Stand on the corner of Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard with buckets of free chicken and gravy. Wear a sheet on your head. I'll see you in August! That's when the bones should heal.

4. Preface every statement you make with "I have a dream.." Like "I have a dream...that you are the designated driver tonight." or "I have a dream...that you'll let me go with only a fine this time, officer."

5. Wear a lot of Malcolm X related clothing. Wrong day? Well pardon me all to hell.

6. Confront your local grocer. Tell him that you are tired of being put down. You are tired of the oppression. Demand "crunch-tastic savings".

7. Watch "Roots". Don't be a pussy. Watch the whole thing. I don't care if that ruins your plans for the evening.

8. It’s time for that annual call to Colin Powell! Remind him that Harry Belafonte is a jackass. "You're not really the white man's puppet, Mr. Powell. Happy Martin Luther King Day." He'll like that.

9. Drive to a synagogue. Blast Gospel music at the rabbis. Crank it up. Get a sub-woofer if needed.

10. Don't show this list to any black people. None whatsoever.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika