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Nominee
Ashcroft Resigning Door-To-Door

WASHINGTON, DC - Attorney General John Ashcroft is offering his resignation door-to-door in the nation’s capitol, claim close sources.  Ashcroft, who is stepping down from his position supposedly for family reasons, has stated that he will be using the “Candy-Gram” format to relay his message to the denizens of D.C.
 
“I believe the American people deserve a more personal approach to my resigning from office,” Ashcroft told reporters, Wednesday. “I will sing them a hymn, give them a good old American Eagle hug, and then make a brief investigation of the contents of their homes.  I’m not quite gone yet, so I need to make sure their wall sconces have enough Americana to meet this great nation’s standards.”

Ashcroft
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He added, “I even have a bald eagle costume made to fit my proportions.”
 
There is a rumor going around the Hill that Colin Powell, and Tom Ridge may join Mr. Ashcroft as a song and dance ensemble, but close sources to Mr. Powell have said that there has been conflict among the troupe because Powell would like to personalize his resignation with his own interpretive dance instead of having a uniform format.  Ashcroft demurred to questions on the topic.
 
“I won’t confirm the existence of an ensemble per se, but the American people might have a pleasant surprise headed their way come January,” he said with his trademark warm smile and glint in his eye.
 
He then did a Fred Astaire-esque dance up the Capitol steps, winking back at reporters before he vanished within.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer & White House Correspondent
Russell Paika


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