| Aries
(March21-April 19)
Your patience is running thin this week.
Try to listen to others when they tell
you that the end may not be as nigh
as you have previously believed, and
that you may indeed need counseling.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
They say silence is golden, but this
week silence will become deadly, as
you are a street mime in Haiti.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
For the rest of the week, try to focus
on conserving your money, as you might
need it in the near future. However,
you must look on the bright side. With
a little ice they might be able to preserve
and stitch your gnarled, shredded penis
back on, and you can become an obscure
porn star.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Bacteria factors greatly in the loss
of your new government job as well as
60% of your face, Saturday.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Bringing a knife to a gunfight surprisingly
works in your favor on Tuesday.
Just don’t get cocky. This
won’t work against a squadron
of police officers. And for chrissake
don’t brag about it on Fark.Com.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Did you know that taxis, busses, and
even the elderly could run on urine
and phlegm?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
A sock puppet factors greatly in your
love life this week.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Tremendous accomplishment is the trend
for your employment this week! Unfortunately,
your job is testing damage control for
flak jackets.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Cancer factors greatly in the loss of
your new government job as well as your
liver, Saturday. This is because
the Cancer in question unleashed a horrible
biotoxin into your torn biohazard suit.
What a couple of clowns you two are.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The trend this week is success, success,
success! Good for you, you old
genocidal bastard!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The police will play an important role
in your eventual death involving tasers.
A bit of ill-timed advice: Wear
a sign stating your heart condition
before publicly flaying your wife.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Give love a chance this week. After
all, the Pet Farm Park is closed, yet
accessible in the wee hours of the night.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |
