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Steroid Use Alleged in Jeopardy Champ's Run

LOS ANGELES, CA - Multiple-show winner Ken Jennings, whose winnings on "Jeopardy" totaled nearly $3 million dollars, is under investigation by federal prosecutors for alleged steroid use at some point during his almost 80 appearances on the popular quiz program, sources revealed Monday.
 
Jennings, who had made his million-dollar run on the show earlier this year, was finally defeated in Wednesday's broadcast just as the story of his involvement with Balco Chemicals came to light. Officials speaking on behalf of Merv Griffin (the show's creator) had no comment at press time.

The Salt Lake City computer programmer first gained notoriety as "the nerd" on his debut "Jeopardy" appearance months ago,

Alex Jennings
"Trebek With His Illegitimate
Son Ken Jennings"

when he began an unprecedented run thanks to the show's relaxation of rules pertaining to winnings. But sources close to the investigation believe that sometime after he became the poster boy for the show, Jennings was given growth-enhancement substances to improve his mental facilities.
 
"We found it interesting that Mr. Jennings, who went from not knowing anything about cooking in March, could by June sweep an entire category about French cuisine and even make a 'True Daily Double' on an answer pertaining to éclairs," Justice Department spokesman Dan Fretata said in a press conference. "What's more, we became even more suspicious when he ripped off the head of a fellow contestant during that same show, and proceeded to destroy the 'Jeopardy' set. The footage of his forcible sedation afterwards is scary, to say the least."
 
Jennings' lawyers had no comment to the allegations, but said only that "Ken is a humble millionaire" who would defend his reputation at all costs, and with brute physical violence. They hinted that Jennings was unavailable to answer the charges himself as a "mystery illness" had caused him to enter rehab.
 
Doctors aren't sure when exactly the supposed steroid use might have begun, or to what extent it affects his overall total winnings, but they stress that Jennings' physical appearance radically changed and that tapes prove the "Jeopardy" champ's head had grown disproportionate to his body, and that his upper torso (the part of his body most visible to the TV viewer) showed significant muscular enhancement as his reign wore on.
 
"If you look at the October 4th broadcast," Dr. E.T. Hurdicure of Johns Hopkins wrote in a press release concurrent with the Justice Department findings, "you'll notice that Ken single-handedly bench-presses his own podium, and blood begins to shoot from his nose when he gets the last part of the 'Famous Finnish Authors' category wrong. Also, his buzzer seems to disintegrate inside his fist, something even viewers at home picked up on."
 
Host Alex Trebek, himself a Canadian, is reluctant to answer allegations that the only reason Jennings continued to win simply because Trebek and announcer Johnny Gilbert were intimidated by his physical menace. The show at press time was unwilling to disclose whether an investigation into Jennings' run would yield proof that the champ had accrued his millions while "juiced" on illegal supplements.
 
"It's a tangled web of corruption, for sure," an unnamed source with ABC Networks said in confidence, "reaching up far higher than just Jennings, Balco, Trebek, etc. This thing could go as high up as the Bush Administration...what, you think it's a coincidence? Bush starts the 'Swiftboat' ads just as Jennings starts getting his run going. You don't need to be Oliver Stone to figure that one out..."
 
Oliver Stone then asked me to see his new film "Alexander", but I declined.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Trev Danger, Quiz-Show Beat
(i.e., "Put that bastard somewhere where he can't bug me"- FN Editor)


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