when he began
an unprecedented run thanks to the show's
relaxation of rules pertaining to winnings.
But sources close to the investigation
believe that sometime after he became
the poster boy for the show, Jennings
was given growth-enhancement substances
to improve his mental facilities.
"We found it interesting that Mr.
Jennings, who went from not knowing
anything about cooking in March, could
by June sweep an entire category about
French cuisine and even make a 'True
Daily Double' on an answer pertaining
to éclairs," Justice Department
spokesman Dan Fretata said in a press
conference. "What's more, we became
even more suspicious when he ripped
off the head of a fellow contestant
during that same show, and proceeded
to destroy the 'Jeopardy' set. The footage
of his forcible sedation afterwards
is scary, to say the least."
Jennings' lawyers had no comment to
the allegations, but said only that
"Ken is a humble millionaire"
who would defend his reputation at all
costs, and with brute physical violence.
They hinted that Jennings was unavailable
to answer the charges himself as a "mystery
illness" had caused him to enter
rehab.
Doctors aren't sure when exactly the
supposed steroid use might have begun,
or to what extent it affects his overall
total winnings, but they stress that
Jennings' physical appearance radically
changed and that tapes prove the "Jeopardy"
champ's head had grown disproportionate
to his body, and that his upper torso
(the part of his body most visible to
the TV viewer) showed significant muscular
enhancement as his reign wore on.
"If you look at the October 4th
broadcast," Dr. E.T. Hurdicure
of Johns Hopkins wrote in a press release
concurrent with the Justice Department
findings, "you'll notice that Ken
single-handedly bench-presses his own
podium, and blood begins to shoot from
his nose when he gets the last part
of the 'Famous Finnish Authors' category
wrong. Also, his buzzer seems to disintegrate
inside his fist, something even viewers
at home picked up on."
Host Alex Trebek, himself a Canadian,
is reluctant to answer allegations that
the only reason Jennings continued to
win simply because Trebek and announcer
Johnny Gilbert were intimidated by his
physical menace. The show at press time
was unwilling to disclose whether an
investigation into Jennings' run would
yield proof that the champ had accrued
his millions while "juiced"
on illegal supplements.
"It's a tangled web of corruption,
for sure," an unnamed source with
ABC Networks said in confidence, "reaching
up far higher than just Jennings, Balco,
Trebek, etc. This thing could go as
high up as the Bush Administration...what,
you think it's a coincidence? Bush starts
the 'Swiftboat' ads just as Jennings
starts getting his run going. You don't
need to be Oliver Stone to figure that
one out..."
Oliver Stone then asked me to see his
new film "Alexander", but
I declined.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Trev Danger, Quiz-Show Beat
(i.e., "Put that bastard somewhere
where he can't bug me"- FN Editor)
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