MIT Student Constantly Reminded Of His Virginity

Simson Ruddiger, a graduate student at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's Laboratory for Computer Science, holds a hard drive in his Belmont, Mass., home, Monday, Jan. 13, 2003. After spending one minute collecting his thoughts on what to say, his eyes slowly watered and his shoulders slumped.
 
He realized that he has never had sex.
 
Pulling himself together, he let out a loud sigh and continued his report,
 
“This hard drive has a 4500 rpm speed with four thousand gigabits of terraforming utility tree data, the 4 by 10 sector assembly language correction node matrix increases speed and heat reduction by 43.4%,” he continued.

Man Decided To Act "Weird" From Now On

37 year old Ronny Scott woke up today, and turned to his wife as she slept. He watched her , waiting for her to wake.
 
When she awoke , he whispered in her ear : “ Ithink I’m going to stick my dick in an exhaust pipe.”
 
Her eyes filled with confusion.
 
Ronny grabbed his car keys and ran out the door , giggling.

Dustin Diamond ("Screech") Shot
Dead In Front Of Mothers Home

The beloved character whom we all grew to know and love , has been shot to death.
 
“I cant believe he's dead... what are we as a society going to do now?” exclaimed one distraught witness to the crime who asked not to be named.
 
According to early reports from police , Dustin was just leaving his home he shared with his mother Emily Diamond , when he was gunned down.
 
“This is a tragedy. I am confident that our investigation will reveal the culprit behind this heinous act,” commented Detective James Progman , in charge of the investigation.
 
Although Dustin was mainly known for his role as Screech on saved by the bell , he has recently been involved with some shitty chess videos, possibly to make ends meet .

"This Chicken Is Fucking Amazing!"
Reports Emily Derkins

“I usually don’t eat white meat , but this shit fucking blows me away,” snorted Emily between bites.
 
“So when are you going to hook me up on that blind date?”