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Fat Chance: Chance McKracken's Horoscope!

Aries (March21-April 19)
You will only have moments to escape when they find out that you aren’t, in fact, a surgeon.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

No, jeopardizing the lives of your neighbor’s children is NOT “the American way of life.”

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Women appreciate men who are not ashamed to cry. But every single time you make a sandwich? Come on, man, get it together. And, for the love of God, quit trying to make sandwiches while having sex.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
It looks like no one will ever find a cure for you, so live it up.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
When we say “shake it like a Polaroid picture,” we don’t mean it literally, you dumb ass cracker.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Wasn’t she great? Yeah? Surprise! Now you have genital herpes! Still got that “skip” in your step? Well, get used to it, Romeo.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)

You are wanted by the FBI. I’ve already given them your location. RUN.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)

Your enthusiasm will be duly noted, yet sharply censured, after that whole chainsaw incident.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your lipstick looks fine, Can we go already?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You will be forcibly coerced into participating in a wrestling match involving Liza Minelli, this week-end.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
That same Kirkegaard quote you use all the time will not fly too well with the arresting officers. Try Jung.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The guy driving the dumptruck had no idea you were under there. Seriously, it was nothing personal.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken


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