Aries
(March21-April 19)
You will only have moments to escape
when they find out that you aren’t,
in fact, a surgeon.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
No, jeopardizing the lives of your neighbor’s
children is NOT “the American
way of life.”
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Women appreciate men who are not ashamed
to cry. But every single time you make
a sandwich? Come on, man, get it together.
And, for the love of God, quit trying
to make sandwiches while having sex.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
It looks like no one will ever find
a cure for you, so live it up.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
When we say “shake it like a Polaroid
picture,” we don’t mean
it literally, you dumb ass cracker.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Wasn’t she great? Yeah? Surprise!
Now you have genital herpes! Still got
that “skip” in your step?
Well, get used to it, Romeo.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
You are wanted by the FBI. I’ve
already given them your location. RUN.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Your enthusiasm will be duly noted,
yet sharply censured, after that whole
chainsaw incident.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your lipstick looks fine, Can we go
already?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You will be forcibly coerced into participating
in a wrestling match involving Liza
Minelli, this week-end.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
That same Kirkegaard quote you use all
the time will not fly too well with
the arresting officers. Try Jung.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The guy driving the dumptruck had no
idea you were under there. Seriously,
it was nothing personal.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |