ATHENS, GA - High school teacher Scott Rice was in the midst of teaching his chemistry class when, while still teaching, he walked across the classroom to the desk of a talkative Gary McDonald and laid five across his eyes without any warning. Gary, bewildered and confused, began to question Mr. Rice's actions, and promptly got another smack across the face. This time, he had learned his lesson: “Shut the fuck up.”
 
This is Georgia school systems' daring new education program aimed to increase test scores and overall classroom performance in action. Dubbed “Shut the fuck up before I smack you one,” it is the result of research confirming that the leading cause for undesirable performance among students is pure laziness and inability to close their damned mouths for two seconds to learn anything. But while beating on his students like he's the LAPD may solve the problem of talkative students, his beatings alone won't cure their unwillingness to do any work.
 
“Fixing that is what they call 'phase two' of the program,” Mr. Rice explains. “
 
“You see, if the student is to, for example, not turn in their homework, I smack them around a few times, and the beating doesn't end there. We make arrangements for every one of their teachers in the following periods, their bus driver, the parents of every home they walk by on the way to their house, and then their own parents to beat the living shit out of them. Didn't turn in your homework? Well, don't expect to go two steps before going down faster than Christina Aguilera.”
 
The program has been very successful so far, with a 100% turn-in rate for homework, at least 70% higher test scores throughout all of his classes, and practically no disruptions, and with a death rate of only one out of every twenty-three beatings.
“And we didn't spend one penny!” Chimes principal Lance McDowell. “In fact, the school system overall has earned hundreds of dollars by beating and mugging disruptive students. It's a win-win situation.”

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Michael