TIKRIT, IRAQ - Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was captured in a “spider hole” 9 miles west of his home town, Tikrit on Saturday.  Little did he know, he was in for the make-over of a lifetime.
 
The dirty, scraggly, smelly, and heavily bearded Hussein seemed completely disoriented as coalition stylists hustled him from his unfashionable hole in the ground in the early morning hours on Saturday.
 
“He looked a mess,” said Pfc. Phil Crosby, “When we saw him crouched in that hole, we said, ‘Make-over Time!’”
 
Moments after a blindfolded Hussein arrived at a location as yet undisclosed by the U.S. military, he was given a hot jasmine tea bath, a Grolsch Ale Shampoo, a sauna, and a coconut foot-scrub. According to military sources, he was cooperative throughout the entire process.
 
U.S. Military stylists, however, seemed daunted at first.  They hadn’t seen such an extreme make-over case in their entire military careers, and being a relatively new branch of the U.S. Armed Forces,  have an average age of 19.
 
“This one needs a lot of work,” said Sgt. F. Stanley Brandt as he applied a cucumber mud exfoliant on Hussein’s face. “Just look at these pores!”
 
Other difficulties ensued during the prolonged electrolosis procedure.  However, the mission has turned out to be a success.
 
When a freshly shaven, bathed and waxed former dictator and genocidal maniac emerged from the make-over facilities, he was greeted with warm applause.  Then he was blindfolded, handcuffed, and rushed to another undisclosed location.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika