Aries
(March21-April 19)
Being compared physically to Rosie O’Donnell
is not an insult, in your case.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
That anonymous guy who spends all day
“sleeping” on your living
room couch, is actually deceased.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Prunes will factor greatly, this week,
in the cleansing of your spirit.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You will be publicly mistaken for a
transsexual horse, when your mugshot
is taken at a Los Angeles police station,
after being extradited from Las Vegas
on child molestation charges.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Wine experts describe you as strident,
yet passive, woody, yet flaccid, and
a bit too nutty for a “classic
Bordeaux.”
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You masturbate to Charles In Charge.
Freak.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Rome wasn’t built in a day, but
your career will be destroyed in one.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You are the nicest pimp in town. Remember
that before you bitch-slap Yvonne when
she tells you she is pregnant, Tuesday
night.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
“Sloppy Seconds” has never
been a term to be taken literally, you
nitwit.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Badgering the witness will cost you
two badgers, and one witness, this week.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
No matter how fascinating it is to you,
nobody wants to hear about your cyst.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Blowtorches are very effective means
of persuasion, but for fuck’s
sake, you’re an elementary school
librarian. Use the pliers.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |