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Fat Chance: Chance McKracken's Horoscope!

Aries (March21-April 19)
Being compared physically to Rosie O’Donnell is not an insult, in your case.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
That anonymous guy who spends all day “sleeping” on your living room couch, is actually deceased.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Prunes will factor greatly, this week, in the cleansing of your spirit.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You will be publicly mistaken for a transsexual horse, when your mugshot is taken at a Los Angeles police station, after being extradited from Las Vegas on child molestation charges.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Wine experts describe you as strident, yet passive, woody, yet flaccid, and a bit too nutty for a “classic Bordeaux.”

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You masturbate to Charles In Charge. Freak.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Rome wasn’t built in a day, but your career will be destroyed in one.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You are the nicest pimp in town. Remember that before you bitch-slap Yvonne when she tells you she is pregnant, Tuesday night.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

“Sloppy Seconds” has never been a term to be taken literally, you nitwit. 

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Badgering the witness will cost you two badgers, and one witness, this week.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
No matter how fascinating it is to you, nobody wants to hear about your cyst.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Blowtorches are very effective means of persuasion, but for fuck’s sake, you’re an elementary school librarian. Use the pliers.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken


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