Aries
(March21-April 19)
Your horoscope will tragically mislead
you this week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You got too much funk on yo plate You
walk with the funk. You talk with the
funk. So get tha funk up and salivate.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
That gentleman on the subway only enjoys
oral sex when you are
not involved. Let it
go.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
No, you were kicked out of the band
because you suck. Ignore any illusions
to the contrary. They’ll just
make you think that you don’t
suck.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’ll get the idea that, perhaps,
strapping explosives to yourself and
walking into a crowded market, only
to detonate, is not a viable or intelligent
method of negotiation, this week, when
you do so, and nobody wishes to negotiate
with you afterwards.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
That wisecrack you made about that cop’s
wife, no matter how painful the results
were, was fucking awesome.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
This week brings good fortune. You will
win st place in a “Perfectly Bisected
Penis” contest. The bad part is
that you are a woman.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
For the love of God, can’t you
park your fucking car without straddling
the motherfucking line!? What
the fuck’s the matter with you,
asshole!?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The clerks at the guitar store have
requested a nice round of D’Yer
Maker. Can’t do it, huh? That’s
what we thought, Stairway To Heaven
Man. You don’t even know how to
fucking spell Bron-Y-Aur Stomp, do you?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You didn’t fill the body-bag with
enough gravel. Now they will all know
about that hooker.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your online identity will choke you
to death in your sleep on Tuesday.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Parents can be demanding. They can even
be overwhelming, at times. However,
they are supposed to be your parents,
not mine. When were you planning
on returning home?
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |