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Fat Chance: Chance McKracken's Horoscope!

Aries (March21-April 19)
Your horoscope will tragically mislead you this week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You got too much funk on yo plate You walk with the funk. You talk with the funk. So get tha funk up and salivate.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
That gentleman on the subway only enjoys oral sex when you are not involved. Let it go.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
No, you were kicked out of the band because you suck. Ignore any illusions to the contrary. They’ll just make you think that you don’t suck.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’ll get the idea that, perhaps, strapping explosives to yourself and walking into a crowded market, only to detonate, is not a viable or intelligent method of negotiation, this week, when you do so, and nobody wishes to negotiate with you afterwards.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

That wisecrack you made about that cop’s wife, no matter how painful the results were, was fucking awesome.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)

This week brings good fortune. You will win st place in a “Perfectly Bisected Penis” contest. The bad part is that you are a woman.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)

For the love of God, can’t you park your fucking car without straddling the motherfucking line!?  What the fuck’s the matter with you, asshole!?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The clerks at the guitar store have requested a nice round of D’Yer Maker. Can’t do it, huh? That’s what we thought, Stairway To Heaven Man. You don’t even know how to fucking spell Bron-Y-Aur Stomp, do you?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You didn’t fill the body-bag with enough gravel. Now they will all know about that hooker.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your online identity will choke you to death in your sleep on Tuesday.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Parents can be demanding. They can even be overwhelming, at times. However, they are supposed to be your parents, not mine. When were you planning on returning home?

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken


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