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Sir Russell Paika’s Holiday Tip-Jar

Here are a few tips for you and yours’ to use this holiday season.

Always coerce your children to do the outside decorating.  Convince them it’s fun. As they toil away, drink a snifter of brandy and watch them from the living room window.  If you don’t have children of your own, do this to your neighbor’s children.

When preparing your holiday feast, make sure you aren’t Jewish.

Holiday shopping can get a bit hectic. Keep your composure while waiting in frustrating lines. Head-butt those next to you, if necessary.

Anytime someone wants to propose a toast at the table, interrupt him or her with a passage from the Book Of Revelation. This instills holiday cheer in almost everyone. Detractors should be excluded from all further holiday activities.

Christmas is not only a time for somber remembrance, it’s also a time for entertainment.  Hold a family read-a-long of How Dr. Seuss’ Family Sold Out To Hollywood And Destroyed All My Fond Childhood Memories. Kids love that one.

Forget all the fundamental rules of traffic etiquette that you’ve been exhibiting throughout your life. You need to shop. Those other fuckers can kiss your ass, for all you care.

Sometimes people get depressed over the holidays. If you are one of these people, you might be poor, a faggot, or a loser. End it all.

In order to show your tolerance for all religions, inform your children that Christmas is canceled, per Santa’s request.

To save electricity, ignite your Christmas tree instead of stringing lights around it.
Carolers are not a subject of your mockery, they are a food source.

And, finally don’t forget to wear that bright ridiculously patterned Christmas sweater.  Violently insist that your family refer to you as Cliff Huxtable.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika


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