Here
are a few tips for you and yours’
to use this holiday season.
Always coerce your children to do the
outside decorating. Convince them
it’s fun. As they toil away, drink
a snifter of brandy and watch them from
the living room window. If you
don’t have children of your own,
do this to your neighbor’s children.
When preparing your holiday feast, make
sure you aren’t Jewish.
Holiday shopping can get a bit hectic.
Keep your composure while waiting in
frustrating lines. Head-butt those next
to you, if necessary.
Anytime someone wants to propose a toast
at the table, interrupt him or her with
a passage from the Book Of Revelation.
This instills holiday cheer in almost
everyone. Detractors should be excluded
from all further holiday activities.
Christmas is not only a time for somber
remembrance, it’s also a time
for entertainment. Hold a family
read-a-long of How Dr. Seuss’
Family Sold Out To Hollywood And Destroyed
All My Fond Childhood Memories. Kids
love that one.
Forget all the fundamental rules of
traffic etiquette that you’ve
been exhibiting throughout your life.
You need to shop. Those other fuckers
can kiss your ass, for all you care.
Sometimes people get depressed over
the holidays. If you are one of these
people, you might be poor, a faggot,
or a loser. End it all.
In order to show your tolerance for
all religions, inform your children
that Christmas is canceled, per Santa’s
request.
To save electricity, ignite your Christmas
tree instead of stringing lights around
it.
Carolers are not a subject of your mockery,
they are a food source.
And, finally don’t forget to wear
that bright ridiculously patterned Christmas
sweater. Violently insist that
your family refer to you as Cliff Huxtable.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika |