Aries
(March21-April 19)
Clenching is a good idea in theory,
but not with this guy, you sweet little
piece of starfish chicken.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your relatively comfortable lifestyle
will come to an end, when Betty White
sues you for copyright infringement.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You have a bad ass pickup truck. This
would be cool, except for the fact that
it’s cherry-red and you have named
it “Sun-Goddess.”
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Don’t over-work yourself, this
week, while taunting that fat girl.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You will learn the hard way that the
mulcher is not a compatible mating choice.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Your many years of hopelessly following
your horoscope will finally come to
an end! You will, in fact, get killed
by a bus this morning.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Shhh! Do you smell something?
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Have you ever noticed how infuriating
that as-of-yet-still-obese Jared asshole
in the Subway ad is? Yeah, I know. Old
news.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Of course she’s cheating on you.
Didn’t you notice that her bra
and panties didn’t match? Duuuuhhhh….
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Talent lies in the hearts of all humans.
Unfortunately, you are a tapir.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Would you quit screaming “NIGGER!”
at the top of your lungs while burning
a Confederate flag? Now, nobody knows
who gets to kick the shit out of you.
Not even the police, though I think
they might get more votes.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Despite the fact that your future hangs
on the balance of a mundane choice that
you will make today, the only advice
I can give you is to set it on Medium
High and use that new spicy peanut sauce.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |