......*
Bloodshot eyes
......*
Nausea and/or headache
......*
Fever
......*
Cold sweats
......*
Numbing of extremities (Canada
only)
......*
Paranoia, confusion, or lack
of faith in the news media
......*
Fear of murky water
......*
Pessimism, environmentalism,
and attraction to bran
......*
Fear of Medi-Vac helicopters
......*
The desire to shit on the
subway
......*
Making dissenting remarks
about John Ashcroft
......*
Dying
I f you have exhibited any of these
symptoms, you probably have the flu.
If you haven’t exhibited these
symptoms this holiday season, you might
want to take measures to prevent the
flu. Here are three surefire methods
of preventing flu contraction:
* Lock your doors,
seal your windows, and disconnect your
telephone. Then coat yourself in Saran
Wrap. Don’t forget the Clorox
for close encounters. The sting only
lasts moments.
* When a stranger grunts,
sniffles, sneezes, or coughs within
a 1,000 meter radius of you, make a
big fucking deal about it. Scrunch up
your nose. Look disgusted. Feel better?
Good.
* Finally, confiscate
all influenza vaccines in The United
States, then administer all of them,
one by one, into your body. This worked
for Ashcroft and Rumsfeld. If you were
good this year, they might have another
dose left.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika
|
