My friends and I have never really been the adventurous types, and watching those barbarians in action really got our blood boiling.”

Kauffman and his friends decided to gather up as many acquaintances as they could, dress in barbarian garb, and ransack the neighboring town of Conover. “It really seemed like a good idea at the time,” stated Kauffman.

Marie Bisclavret was the first resident of Conover to see the approaching horde of middle-aged raiders. “They came over the hill and down Main Street, killing and setting fire to houses as they went. All of them were armed with some form of weapon. Several had swords and knives, and there were a bunch I saw that brandished axes or clubs. The leader looked like he was wearing a bearskin.”

“Actually it was the sheepskin seat covers from my Toyota Corolla,” said Kauffman.

The attack lasted most of the night, and local police were powerless to stop the invaders, who cut down as many Conover residents as they could, before stopping to have a feast on the steps of the local library after ransacking a convenience store and a Dunkin Donuts.

“They made a huge pile of human heads from the people they killed,” said Bisclavret, “and then they all sat down to eat beef jerky and apple cinnamon twists. It was truly the most horrifying thing I have ever seen.”

The attack sort of ran it’s course early in the morning, and the group withdrew from the town and back to Belgrove, leaving Conover residents to pick up the pieces.

“It was a tragedy,” said a Conover shopkeeper, as he examined the charred remains of his store. “We’ll be ready for them next time though. We’re assembling a contingent of archers, cavalry, and we’re fortifying the town with higher walls and defensive siege engines.”

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
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