Apparently,
with no provocation, Tony had managed
to fatally wound Crackle and Pop, and
leave Snap in a horrible condition in
a matter of seconds. Harrington Police
Dept. Chief Investigator Charlie Bloom
said, “I have never seen a more
horrific stew of tiny organs and shredded
flesh in a kitchen cupboard before.
This is a real tragedy for the cereal
world.”
Crackle was taken to the emergency room
with a severed jugular and major chest
and head trauma. He died several hours
later, while undergoing surgery. Pop
was decapitated in the incident, and
was pronounced dead on arrival. Snap,
however, remains in serious but stable
condition after suffering multiple blows
to the head and neck, severe lacerations
on the upper torso, and losing half
a leg during the melee.
The Keebler Elves, who had been in a
nearby cupboard expressed remorse at
the loss of such loved cereal icons,
including Tony. “He was such a
good tiger,” said one of the Elves
who wished to remain anonymous. “I
don’t know what could have triggered
the attack. Maybe you can’t take
the jungle out of the tiger, no matter
how long he’s lived in luxury.”
He added, “The screams woke me
up that morning. I’ve never heard
a cereal scream like that. Ever. It
was like animals to the slaughter. I
thanked God that morning that I was
a cookie.”
Many, including an extremely disfigured
Snap, had expressed their sympathy for
Tony in the past weeks, pleading with
the world to not let him be euthanized.
However, because Tony told Barbara Walters
that the Lucky Charms Leprechaun was
“next” on national television
recently, the final decision was made.
Funeral services for Crackle, Pop, and
Tony will be held at Bluff Oak Cemetery,
Battle Creek, MI Thursday at 9:00 am.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika
*
(Editor's Note: Russell Paika would
like to give special thanks to Robert
Berry for inspiring this article.)
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