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Cereal Tiger Euthanized After Wild Attack


HARRINGTON, IL -
After the latest and most gruesome in a series of tiger attacks this year, Frosted Flakes Cereal spokesman, Tony The Tiger, was euthanized Friday, after the brutal mauling of fellow cereal icons Snap, Crackle, & Pop.

The mauling took place around 7:45 am, in a kitchen cupboard located in the 2800 block of Altamore Drive, home of 28 year old Taylor Harding. Harding, a bookkeeper at a local Twist-Mart, was just about to have his morning bowl of cereal when he heard a ruckus coming from the kitchen cupboard.

“I’m about to open the door,” says a visibly shaken Harding, “When I hear these horrifying growls and shrieks coming from within. When I looked inside, it was an absolute gore-fest.”

Cereal Icons
Tony & The Elves Right Before He Made
Their Bones Snap, Crackle, & Pop

Apparently, with no provocation, Tony had managed to fatally wound Crackle and Pop, and leave Snap in a horrible condition in a matter of seconds. Harrington Police Dept. Chief Investigator Charlie Bloom said, “I have never seen a more horrific stew of tiny organs and shredded flesh in a kitchen cupboard before. This is a real tragedy for the cereal world.”

Crackle was taken to the emergency room with a severed jugular and major chest and head trauma. He died several hours later, while undergoing surgery. Pop was decapitated in the incident, and was pronounced dead on arrival. Snap, however, remains in serious but stable condition after suffering multiple blows to the head and neck, severe lacerations on the upper torso, and losing half a leg during the melee.

The Keebler Elves, who had been in a nearby cupboard expressed remorse at the loss of such loved cereal icons, including Tony. “He was such a good tiger,” said one of the Elves who wished to remain anonymous. “I don’t know what could have triggered the attack. Maybe you can’t take the jungle out of the tiger, no matter how long he’s lived in luxury.” He added, “The screams woke me up that morning. I’ve never heard a cereal scream like that. Ever. It was like animals to the slaughter. I thanked God that morning that I was a cookie.”

Many, including an extremely disfigured Snap, had expressed their sympathy for Tony in the past weeks, pleading with the world to not let him be euthanized. However, because Tony told Barbara Walters that the Lucky Charms Leprechaun was “next” on national television recently, the final decision was made.

Funeral services for Crackle, Pop, and Tony will be held at Bluff Oak Cemetery, Battle Creek, MI Thursday at 9:00 am.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika

* (Editor's Note: Russell Paika would like to give special thanks to Robert Berry for inspiring this article.)


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