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Fat Chance: Chance McKracken's Horoscope!

Aries (March21-April 19)
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but shotguns are much more efficient.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your Tivo insists that you are into pro-wrestling and cooking shows. It also believes that you are gay. All I’m saying is, watch your back.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
That “Pardon me, sir, do you have any Grey Poupon” schtick that you pull at stoplights is really lame. Lose it.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Despite your musical inclinations, nobody wants to hear the entire score of The H.M.S. Pinafore on the subway.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You will finally get endorsed, when you are brought to us by Kellogg’s Rice Krispies, this week.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
That was not chicken.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
You shouldn’t rely on your wits to get you out of bad situations, seeing as how you are an extreme smart-ass, and you don’t run very fast.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
During a shopping faux pas, the cashier at register 9 will loudly broadcast the fact that she needs a price check on X-Tra Thin Condoms, this week. This will humiliate you, even though there are no other customers in the store.  The stars say that the cashier will be young and cute, and that she will laugh about the experience with her hung-like-a-horse boyfriend.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Giving the finger to the police, yet again, will result in a severe beating, electrocution, and macing, this week-end.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your attempts at a ventriloquism career are noble.  However, no matter what you firmly believe, ventriloquism does NOT, at any time, involve live animals.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Being able to quote Camus’ earlier works with your eyes closed, does not necessarily mean that you will pass the sobriety test.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
As you read this horoscope, keep in mind that at least one person in the room thinks you are an irresponsible gullible dumbfuck.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken


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