Aries
(March21-April 19)
Sticks and stones may break your bones,
but shotguns are much more efficient.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your Tivo insists that you are into
pro-wrestling and cooking shows. It
also believes that you are gay. All
I’m saying is, watch your back.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
That “Pardon me, sir, do you have
any Grey Poupon” schtick that
you pull at stoplights is really lame.
Lose it.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Despite your musical inclinations, nobody
wants to hear the entire score of The
H.M.S. Pinafore on the subway.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You will finally get endorsed, when
you are brought to us by Kellogg’s
Rice Krispies, this week.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
That was not chicken.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
You shouldn’t rely on your wits
to get you out of bad situations, seeing
as how you are an extreme smart-ass,
and you don’t run very fast.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
During a shopping faux pas, the cashier
at register 9 will loudly broadcast
the fact that she needs a price check
on X-Tra Thin Condoms, this week. This
will humiliate you, even though there
are no other customers in the store.
The stars say that the cashier will
be young and cute, and that she will
laugh about the experience with her
hung-like-a-horse boyfriend.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Giving the finger to the police, yet
again, will result in a severe beating,
electrocution, and macing, this week-end.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your attempts at a ventriloquism career
are noble. However, no matter
what you firmly believe, ventriloquism
does NOT, at any time, involve live
animals.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Being able to quote Camus’ earlier
works with your eyes closed, does not
necessarily mean that you will pass
the sobriety test.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
As you read this horoscope, keep in
mind that at least one person in the
room thinks you are an irresponsible
gullible dumbfuck.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |