3. Christmas 2004 will fall a week later and will celebrated on New Year’s Day, which will be celebrated some time in March. This will be for security reasons.

4. President Bush will finally come to the realization that Canada is not part of the United States. 2 weeks later Canada is conquered.

5. Al Sharpton loses his chance at becoming president by calling Jews “Hymies.” Oh wait, that was Jesse Jackson. Never mind.

6. Emmanuel Lewis, better know as Webster will continue his work with other child stars by hanging out with them for a day so they can see they aren't as pathetic as they thought.

7. Chevy Chase and Magic Johnson team up for fox's new series "That guy is still alive?" It is cancelled during the first commercial break and is replaced by "Turtle's Gone Wild".

8. Montana succeeds from the union when the speed limit is dropped to "an unreasonable” 70 MPH by the Federal Government. Both residents quoted as saying, "Who are we going to hit?"

9. An outbreak of West Nile Virus is discovered in Anchorage Alaska on December 4th. Scientists blame the outbreak on the saliva particles in the air of hibernating grizzly bears. Scientists then announce they have no idea what they are talking about. West Nile out break turns out to be a strain of the common cold.

10. Republicans looking to regain office in this year’s elections blame record warm temperatures and a complete flip-flop of the seasons on the Democrats.

11. The Democrats knowing they have no-one who stands a chance in the elections tell the Republicans, "Yeah, So? Fuck Off".

12. Charges against Michael Jackson are dropped. Johnny Cochran is seen leaving judges office wiping white substance off his chin.

13. Peter Jennings becomes new sidekick for the 3rd release of MTV's Tom Green Show. Executives quoted as saying Green needs a hipper MTV style sidekick who kind of reminds you of great grandpa.

14. Las Vegas gives 2 to 1 odds that no one will laugh at Jonathan "Spanky" Spasich's jokes at this year's annual used car salesman awards show.

15. In trying to assure the public of his greatness, David Blaine insists that Siegfried and Roy's tiger attack was for real. Unlike his stunts which are all magic tricks.

16. ABC announces they have frozen Ted Koppel until another war breaks out.

17. Dan Rather, walks out on CBS after getting overlooked on also being frozen. He signs on to do commercials for RONCO products.

18. PETA announces the "It's Ok To Beat Your Meat" campaign, encouraging people around the world to masturbate rather that eat meat.

19. NBC's Tom Brokaw will have a mild heart attack from the shock of Dan Rather nailing down the RONCO commercial gig. "That was mine!" he screams before passing out.

20. Clint Howard named sexiest man alive.

21. Dennis Rodman signs with the Lakers and rapes Kobe Bryant after their game 7 loss to the Indiana Pacers.

22. CBS's Dan Rather dies of laughter after hearing about Brokaw’s heart attack.

23. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have sex with each other per audience request, live on Pay Per View. Votes are only accepted from AT&T wireless phones.

24. An unknown source leaks Donald Rumsfeld's plan to kill anyone not white within the next 6 months.

25. Jennifer Lopez commits suicide after learning she doesn't have a phat ass, but that in fact she "is" a fat ass.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Tha Mike