| Aries
(March 21-April 19)
Your lifelong dream of winning an Olympic
Gold Metal will be dashed, when you
realize that you are merely a
head in a rusty metal box.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Two men dueling over the honor of a
woman is frequently unwise. However,
if they duel in a urinal with their
penises , it is unwise AND comical.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
A heated debate in an Internet chat
room, will turn into heated masturbation
when PrincessCupcake6969, a forty year
old male insurance claims adjuster,
convinces you he is two blond 12 year
old girls.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Repeating everything the arresting officer
says, while using an annoying nasal
voice and grabbing your crotch,
might not be the most productive form
of legal representation.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Your cat is going to kill you Thursday
morning, by “accidentally”
knocking the radio into the bathtub.
You may avoid this by hiding the can
opener earlier in the week.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Now
that you are about to graduate from
the Starfleet Academy, don’t you
think it’s time to take that
Personal Hygeine elective?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Don’t be afraid of love. That
is of course, unless it comes in a clown
suit. Then be very afraid.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Will you please stop giving people that
“sassy, devil-may-care”
look whenever you tell them what sign
you are? You come across as a complete
tool.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
That thing you do when you say
“bullshit” as you cough
is always a good gag. But face
it, it doesn’t change the fact
that you have cancer.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your kid’s got a great set of
lungs, but strapping him to the
roof of your car and weaving through
the expressway doesn’t make you
a “policeman in hot pursuit.”
It’s still pretty cool, though.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Picking up your grandmother’s
drugs athe pharmacy should have nothing
to do with a guy with gold teeth and
a bus stop. I’m just saying, maybe
it’s time you and she had a little
chat.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Tomorrow, while lunching at a crowded
restaurant, grab one of those creamer
packets, hold it over your
eye, and pop it. As the cream
squirts out, scream, “MY EYEEEE!!”
Clutch at your face like an animal.
Knock over chairs for emphasis.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |
