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By thamike.com
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Happy President’s Day!

Happy President’s Day! Even though this glorious day was supposed to be a combination of Lincoln and Washington’s birthdays, I have said to hell with it! Let’s give a big hand for all of the greats! Every year, we the people of The United States of America rally together to honor the rich white dead men who made this country what it is today. These were brave souls who risked everything to create the wonderful bastion of liberty and basic human rights that we are all able to enjoy now, such as privacy and the right to question authority. There are two reasons why President’s Day exists:

Presidents

   * To remember whom these great men were. (If you are having difficulty with this, look in your wallet. If you have no money, rob a convenience store. After all, you are an American. It is your God-given right.)

   * If we celebrated all of their birthdays separately, we would be able to have enough time off work to actually enjoy ourselves. And no president would want all that fuss on his behalf.

So why don’t we take a look through our wallets, and celebrate the smirking faces on our money, yes?

President’s Day marks the same day, over 200 years ago, that George Washington rode his horse through southeast Philadelphia screaming something about British people in the water. When it turned out to be Indians dressed as British soldiers, dumping precious molasses into the harbor, Washington was given the Congressional Medal Of Honor, and his own form of currency, now known as the dollar. He wasn’t the only guy whose face is on our money that did something important. Benjamin Franklin invented electricity 200 years ago today! Before that, people had to get in a crowd and vigorously rub their thighs together to get anything done. Because of this Franklin was given the esteemed hundred-dollar bill. Andrew Jackson made America the universal figurehead of peace, justice, and God by giving the hapless, unskilled Indians all the free turkey and gravy and yams they could eat. Unfortunately, the turkeys had smallpox and gave it to the Indians who either died or got so scared of turkeys that they moved to fenced in communities and took to drinking Aquanet and passing out in gutters. Because of this unfortunate mishap, Jackson is only on the twenty-dollar bill.

Abraham Lincoln, changed the face of the American President. Literally. But, despite his horrible battle with acne and leprosy, Ol’ Honest Abe pulled through and became our nation’s leader. He got into a civil war because the Democrats wanted to keep their slaves, and the Republicans wanted them too, but without all the whips and cotton field hymnals. After a bloody war, Lincoln made the Democrats and Republicans apologize to each other, and promise to never refer to it as slavery again. Then an actor shot him in the head with a pistol he had believed to be loaded with blanks. It wasn’t and Lincoln died soon after. It turned out to be the worst cinematic tragedy since that Vic Morrow helicopter decapitation incident. Abraham Lincoln only got the five-dollar bill because he never drank or beat his wife, which seemed to creep out subsequent presidents, such as Ulysses S. Grant.

U.S. Grant drank heavily and beat his wife. He is on the fifty-dollar bill.

Thomas Jefferson, another one of our founding fathers, is most famous for his “taxation without retribution” speech, and for cavorting with slave women. He founded the Daughters Of The Revolution, and drafted the Magna Charta. He currently resides in Florida with his wife, Wheezy.

Well, those are the terrific presidents that inhabit your wallet from time to time. Every time you buy drugs or hookers or a pack of Big League Chew, remember some of these facts that you have read here today. And remember that the freedom of rich white men we know today would have never been secured, if not for the sacrifices made by these dead rich white men.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika


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