*
To remember whom these great
men were. (If you are having difficulty
with this, look in your wallet. If you
have no money, rob a convenience store.
After all, you are an American. It is
your God-given right.)
*
If we celebrated all of their birthdays
separately, we would be able to have
enough time off work to actually enjoy
ourselves. And no president would want
all that fuss on his behalf.
So why don’t we take a look through
our wallets, and celebrate the smirking
faces on our money, yes?
President’s Day marks the same
day, over 200 years ago, that George
Washington rode his horse through southeast
Philadelphia screaming something about
British people in the water. When it
turned out to be Indians dressed as
British soldiers, dumping precious molasses
into the harbor, Washington was given
the Congressional Medal Of Honor, and
his own form of currency, now known
as the dollar. He wasn’t the only
guy whose face is on our money that
did something important. Benjamin Franklin
invented electricity 200 years ago today!
Before that, people had to get in a
crowd and vigorously rub their thighs
together to get anything done. Because
of this Franklin was given the esteemed
hundred-dollar bill. Andrew Jackson
made America the universal figurehead
of peace, justice, and God by giving
the hapless, unskilled Indians all the
free turkey and gravy and yams they
could eat. Unfortunately, the turkeys
had smallpox and gave it to the Indians
who either died or got so scared of
turkeys that they moved to fenced in
communities and took to drinking Aquanet
and passing out in gutters. Because
of this unfortunate mishap, Jackson
is only on the twenty-dollar bill.
Abraham Lincoln, changed the face of
the American President. Literally. But,
despite his horrible battle with acne
and leprosy, Ol’ Honest Abe pulled
through and became our nation’s
leader. He got into a civil war because
the Democrats wanted to keep their slaves,
and the Republicans wanted them too,
but without all the whips and cotton
field hymnals. After a bloody war, Lincoln
made the Democrats and Republicans apologize
to each other, and promise to never
refer to it as slavery again. Then an
actor shot him in the head with a pistol
he had believed to be loaded with blanks.
It wasn’t and Lincoln died soon
after. It turned out to be the worst
cinematic tragedy since that Vic Morrow
helicopter decapitation incident. Abraham
Lincoln only got the five-dollar bill
because he never drank or beat his wife,
which seemed to creep out subsequent
presidents, such as Ulysses S. Grant.
U.S. Grant drank heavily and beat his
wife. He is on the fifty-dollar bill.
Thomas Jefferson, another one of our
founding fathers, is most famous for
his “taxation without retribution”
speech, and for cavorting with slave
women. He founded the Daughters Of The
Revolution, and drafted the Magna Charta.
He currently resides in Florida with
his wife, Wheezy.
Well, those are the terrific presidents
that inhabit your wallet from time to
time. Every time you buy drugs or hookers
or a pack of Big League Chew, remember
some of these facts that you have read
here today. And remember that the freedom
of rich white men we know today would
have never been secured, if not for
the sacrifices made by these dead rich
white men.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika |