Aries
(March21-April 19)
Your foray into the world of political
correctedness will hit a brick wall,
When you realize it is 2004 and nobody
cares.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Chickens will factor greatly in the
comical yet fatal menu selection you
make, Wednesday.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
I understand that the journey to “find
yourself” is of great importance,
but please do it in the privacy of your
own bathroom.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
I gave you gonorrhea.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
All the bad karma you have built
up throughout your life will come back
to you at the same time, due to an accounting
error.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You will find love on Friday. Love with
a national monument.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
You will come to realize that the recurring
dream you keep having, in which you
get fisted by Rick James and the Olsen
Twins, is not a dream, but reality.
Yet you will still be confused as to
whether or not you enjoy it.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
I know. I know. How the hell were
YOU supposed to know there were wild
apes in the day care center? That’s
what they all say.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
When at the drive-thru window, try to
hide the fact that you are masturbating,
this week.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Everything you thought was important
in life will change, when you become
McDonald’s new advertising demographic.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You will learn a valuable lesson about
peeling a scab too early upon completely
unraveling yourself, Tuesday.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You gave me gonorrhea!
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance
McKracken |