After
my first week of dishing out advice
to some poor schlub, it seems as if
the bandwagon is starting to get loaded-up
with loyal followers who understand
just how valuable the real truth is.
I'll make my best effort to get to all
of you every week, but if I don't, try
again or come to the realization that
you've just asked me a really, really
stupid question--so stupid that it's
not been worth the time to put down
my McRib and peck out a response.
Dear Rude:
Here's a lovely little advice column
cliché, I like a boy, but I can't
have him. The problem is, well, boys
my age are still in the stage where
girls have "cooties".
What the hell should I do?
Allys In Wonderlust
Dear
Wonderlust,
Cooties? Look, I'll tell you right now
that I was making out with girls in
movie theaters when I was in grade school--and
we're talking 1st grade, baby. Sure,
I wasn't always the guy they were hoping
for, but little tricks like "Pretend
I'm Johnny when we go under the coat"
and "I'll show you mine if you
show me yours" worked like gangbusters,
even back then.
If you've got some little yutz who thinks
you've got "cooties" at "your
age", which you did not disclose
(and I don't want to know), then your
first problem might just be with little
Milhouse FruityPants. There's a good
chance that any boy worried about cooties
is more attentive to his mothers dresses,
shoes and the latest in Barbie fashion
than he is about finding out the finer
areas of exploration that are "Make-out
Parties" in some kids basement
with the divorced mother who leaves
everyone alone with the music on loud
and the lights off while she's downing
2-3 bottles of red wine with her new
boyfriend who just got off of work at
his job at the gas station where he
does a lot of oil changes and lube jobs,
if you get my drift. Hey, I won't lie
to you, either, I never had much success
at those parties myself, because I liked
computers and had the social skills
of Wesley Crusher, but I always, always
always always always WANTED to get with
the ladies, and the word "cooties"
never once entered my mind, and I'd
probably get into a fight--even though
I was a huge wuss--with anyone that
said "cooties" back then.
So, Miss Wonderlust, here's my suggestion
to you: Buy cootie boy some hand lotion
as a gift and see if he uses it as hand
lotion, or if it mysteriously ends up
empty in a couple of weeks. If he uses
it as the former (that is, actually
to moisturize his dry, cracking hands
with that sweet healing love of Aloe
Vera and/or Witch Hazel), subscribe
him to International
Male or Genre
or some other fruitbasket magazine that'll
help him keep up with the fashions while
you're out there starting to read the
CosmoTeen or some other magazine geared
toward turning the female population
of the world into sluts.
Dump the guy and call me when you're
18. Or when your ID says you're 18.
Whichever.
Dear
Rude:
Why is
considered impolite to fart in church?
GassyAss
Dear
Assy,
Now why would you think anyone wants
to smell your stank-ass, nasty-ass rear-end
expulsions anywhere--let alone a church?
The term "that went over like a
fart in church" originated when
some idiot pffffffffft'd out an SBD
in a church setting a long, long time
ago--back when you respected the church,
dressed nicely, made out with the priests
and kept your mouth shut. Clearly, this
was way back in the 1800's or so, and
the churches had no conditioned air
and very little heat, so the farts would
stink up the whole joint and on one
could leave until the priest was done
with his sermon.
People had nowhere to go! Remember when
you were little and someone would hold
you down and fart on your face and keep
you there? It's the same reason--God,
or Jesus (holes in his hands and all)
are holding you down in that church
pew and not letting you, and the rest
of the entire congregation up. The only
escape is that of a small child. If
you have one with you, it's completely
acceptable to let loose the heater--but
it has to be a SILENT heater--and then
pinch the child just enough so that
it let's out a wail so that you can
bolt for the "crying room".
On the other hand, if you're the only
one around, I say cut loose. Your own
farts always smell pretty good, anyway.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Rude
Direct your questions to: rude@thamike.com
or click here
|