While
on that special date, always have a
prophylactic handy. Don’t be obvious
about it. Keep one or two close-by,
but concealed. When the time comes,
you’ll be prepared. If you are
a magician, keep your rubbers hidden
behind your date’s ear until just
the right moment.
Making restaurant reservations
is important. If you were smart, you
would’ve just stayed in line at
the place you forgot to make reservations
at last year.
Remember that even though it’s
Valentine’s Day, frugality shouldn’t
be tossed to the wind. Nor should tact.
It’s always best to dump your
girlfriend around the 8th of February.
That way she won’t think you’re
just a cheapskate.
Remember when you were in 2nd grade
and that cute pigtailed girl had a crush
on you and she’d send you all
those love notes? What were you thinking
back then, man? Get the phone book out!
It’s time to finish up some business!
DO NOT murder any ex-lovers on Valentine’s
Day. This is totally unoriginal. Save
it for tax day or something. Grandmother’s
Day would be cool, too. If you absolutely
must kill your ex-lover on Valentine’s
Day, avoid edged weapons. Blunt tools
will more effectively throw off the
authorities.
Now I know what you ladies must be thinking.
“Russell Paika only writes for
men!”
This is not true. I have a few pointers
for you too.
Unless you are married, you should be
VERY suspicious of any guy you are dating
who does that “trail of flower
petals” thing. This is integral
to your physical and intellectual survival.
If you don’t bring up Valentine’s
Day long beforehand, your boyfriend
shouldn’t be punished for any
shortcomings as to your ticker-tape
parade, or whatever it is you expect
every year. And if you constantly bring
up Valentine’s Day, you are probably
alone every year between March and August.
Please adjust accordingly.
And if you are a woman who wants to
be loved and to love another, and just
wants to chill out and listen to the
Pixies and drive to Mexico and smoke
cigarettes on a balcony and drink Singapore
Slings and kiss for a long time and
throw water balloons at kids and read
magazines and smoke more cigarettes
and maybe drag race a little while on
Vespas……..
……You’ve heard too
much, and you hide too well.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika |
