Aries (March21-April 19)
Things will be looking good this week, when you are voted Leper Of The Year.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Everything is in place for your spectacular moment. Now where did you put those goddamn detonators?

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Mouthwash does not prevent syphilis.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You will realize the importance of caution and the use of antiseptic after you unwittingly stumble upon a pack of rabid Teletubbies.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Chances are, you have masturbated one too many times this morning.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You will rethink your family’s place in society, when you are caught cheating on your sister.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Go ahead. Keep poking that bear. Bears love to be prodded with sticks.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You will be fatally shot this weekend, when an acquaintance realizes you’ve been cheating at Tarot Cards.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
When you live in the past, how can you possibly be preparing for the future? get back in the Delorean and find Biff before you turn into your mother.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Despite what some people may say, rolling your eyes around and moaning, “This is just SINFUL” is not how real men react to chocolate.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Clipping coupons and saving pennies is a good idea. However, doing so is useless in your case, as you will be dead in 36 hours.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Even thought baby flesh is Atkins Approved. It is not Doctor or Policeman Approved.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken