| Dear
Rude:
What's your opionion on gay marriage?
Manhole Cover
Dear Manhole:
My opinion is simple: It's my opinion,
fucknuts. This is an advice column and
you need to worry about more important
things like why your girlfriend tells
you that you call too much and and why
she won't let you go to her place without
calling first.
I've got a hunch, too. It's probably
because you ask such stupid fucking
questions that are out-of-context.
Dear Rude:
After making out with my girlfriend on
a date, I think I've got blue balls.
How do I get rid of them?
Soreness in Seattle
Dear Soreness:
Man, I feel for you on this one.
Blue balls are the bane of a teenager's
existance, and I'm assuming you're a teenager
or else you'd know what the rest of us
already know: If you're not gonna
get to blow your wad, manually work that
sucker out as soon as you can.
It's NOT going to be a pleasant thing
to deal with. In fact, everything
will be sore and you won't want to move,
but it'll hurt to much to sit still.
You'll probably stop and get a can of
soda and set it against the sac as you
drive, but that'll only do so much.
You'll walk funny when you get home and
your parents might think you're drunk,
so you'd better be careful.
If you've just dropped off your lady friend,
get far enough away from her driveway
that her father won't see your car.
Stop your car. Jerk-off. Fast.
Wipe off hands, pants, car, stray cat,
etc. and get back in your car and drive
home.
The next time your date calls you, be
distant. Let her know you had fun,
but that it was a little difficult for
you and maybe you guys should just "take
it slow". When she starts to
cry, tell her that you respect her too
much to force the issue and the pain is
a lot to take, so it's better to just
chill out for awhile. Be seen talking
to the school slut within 24 hours from
the phone call.
The next time you go on a date with her,
don't force the issue--hey, you're a classy
guy, after all. A classy guy who
jerked off in the weeds next to her house
last weekends, but a classy guy none the
less. By no means would I ever condone
pre-marital sex, at least not with a teenager,
and if it's my daughter we're discussing,
you're one dead internet motherfucker,
and don't you forget that. Sex is
a difficult
issue and very confusing for teenagers,
and let's face it, there's still a good
chance you could get a hard-on in the
locker room and start playing for the
other team (not that there's anything
wrong with
that)--and if that's the case, I find
my dad's advice about cigarettes holds
true here: If you can smoke one,
then you'd better smoke a whole pack.
Dad made me sit down and smoke a whole
pack of cigarettes together and I got
sick and never wanted another one.
You and your father should go out and
smoke a whole pack of poles together and
see if you still like it. There's
nothing wrong with being gay, just make
sure that--like smoking--this is the right
choice for you.
Have a very serious discussion with your
lady friend, and if that doesn't work,
pull aside her parents and let them know
that their daughter could possibly be
a cocktease. This solution isn't
the favored one, but it works well, as
there's a good chance this lady friend
will never give you blue balls again after
that conversation.
And lastely, remember that sometimes having
sex as a teenager is just too soon.
Anal sex doesn't really count, and if
she's not into that, perhaps you should
see if she'll do you. Rude recommends
that you read: http://www.fatalemedia.com/videos/bend_over_boyfriend.html.
Oh, and start small.
Written
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Rude
Direct your questions to: rude@thamike.com
or click here
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