Aries (March21-April 19)
I wrote this while I was taking a shit.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Bad little children who don’tbelieve in alien abductions won’t get a visit from the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, or Robert Loggia this year.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
This week will be an excellent time to explore the intricacies of modernized wood-wind classics, as you will be trapped in a shopping mall elevator the entire time.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Romance at work on Thursday! This would be fantastic if you weren’t an ice cream man, and your new love life didn’t involve an Otter-Pop. Chances are, you’ll think it’s fantastic anyway.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You will find out the hard way that, indeed, that plastic bag was not a toy.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
A fresh perspective is exactly what an individual like you needs! Try laying off the Meth and waking up before 4:00 pm.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Please stop constantly ringing that little bell and referring to me as “Pool Boy.”

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Delving into the world of science would be a noble undertaking, if only you weren’t retarded and trying to garnish a hamburger.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Confessing your sins is what every Catholic is supposed to do. In your case you should probably refrain from confessing them to bank tellers and policemen.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You won’t see or hear it coming. You are after all a blind actor in the mime porn business.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
I have given your address and phone number to every cannibal in Germany.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
This week, try using friendly words with loved ones. In your case, you never know if COPS might be filming in your living room.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken