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Greenspan Warns Of Cuts In Social Security Benefits
Department Of Health And Human Services Announces “Small Steps” Weight Loss Campaign

The social security program has been a covenant with wage earners for 70 years. But now Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan, has warned congress that there are insufficient funds for the benefits that people have come to expect. Retirement will have to be deferred for many Americans, Greenspan says.

The rules are changing In the middle of the game for those who thought they were paying for their retirement insurance with FICA taxes. Almost simultaneously, the administration launched "small steps" a plan to encourage overweight Americans eat more fruits and vegetables and park their cars yet further on the outskirts of the Wal-mart parking lot.

Coincidence or master plan? Recently uncovered tapes and transcripts from a conservative think tank may hold the answer.

Director of Domestic Virtue (DDV): Trend one- Retirement. It is the position of this administration that the government should not be meddling in the private affairs of citizens in their Golden years.

Suddenly and unexpectedly too many people expect to retire as an excuse to stop working. Then they try to claim Social Security income. Greenspan went up to the hill and said benefits will need to be curtailed. Was there any outrage about broken promises? No. It was hardly mentioned.

Everybody knows how cumbersome and inefficient the Social Security bureaucracy is. These outmoded, socialistic ideas started back in the thirties during the Roosevelt Administration. Let's not forget that under Roosevelt we had a depression and people were genuinely suffering. Why? Because captains of industry were unfairly restrained by a growing bureaucratic class. Roosevelt's depression was associated with great uncertainty in the financial markets.

I know Social Security was a popular program. You could argue that it makes sense to set aside some earnings as insurance against old age and infirmity, but shouldn't it be done privately? What we have today is paternalistic, condescending and inefficient. I know what you’re thinking: Social Security was a sacred promise but, remember, this was not a promise that we made.

Director of Public Information (DPI): Here’s the take-away message: we went from a time of rugged individualism, self-sufficiency and accountability to doling out food stamps, housing subsidies, college loans, and paying for people’s trips to the drugstore. What's next, a tax credit for flat panels on eBay?

DDV: Not on my watch. This administration is about self-reliance, individual responsibility, personal accountability and above all, fairness.

Senior Analyst of Conspiracy Affairs (SACA):
The timing here is very curious. It strains credulity to think that every Joe Six-pack with a coupon for Depends is suddenly turning to the state for a fancy retirement.

DDV: It just shows the inherent weakness of big government.

Coordinator for Conservative Commerce (CCC): The investor class is busy creating a new economy. Today's innovators should not be hamstrung by a bunch of dead democrats to subsidize the whole bankrupt system. Social Security forces productive citizens who are themselves neither old nor sick, to subsidize those who might be better off left to the law of natural selection those people seem to love so much.

DDV: The same people who neglected to save enough for their own retirement. New Deal, new age, incontinent hippies. It is not only too expensive but it actually discourages work from an entire class of people based solely on their age.

CCC: It smacks of class warfare. These entitlements create a parasitic underclass of leftist, liver spotted losers.

(Gap in tape)

CCC: God forbid we actually delivered the money we promised . . . where would we get the resources to transform the Middle East? I don't have to tell you what the stakes are if the Arabs don't start sharing the blessings of freedom.

Foreign and Military Affairs (FMA): We simply can't fight Osama and his boys with a bunch of old fat people in shorts with black socks sitting watching Fear Factor.

DPI: Trend 2. Not only are older people becoming more numerous, they place a disproportionate strain on the health-care system. That's why we are advocating health-care savings accounts. Where does it say anything about Lipitor in the Constitution? It's a vicious spiral because senior citizens today do not die the way traditional Americans used to. Modern technology means that people spend more and more time in the dying phase of their lives and therefore a corresponding decreased time contributing. This leads us to trend 3: lifestyle changes.

The expectation that government will cover retirement costs and medical bills is compounded by another disturbing development. Gentlemen, I don't know any other way to say it. There is an unprecedented increase in Americans becoming too fat. And if science has taught us anything it is that when obesity combines with an aging population, dependent on socialized medicine, a nation can not long endure. This is our challenge, gentlemen. This is our perfect storm . . . a swollen population of old, fat and sick people demanding help from a government which created the problem in the first place.

If you think motor homes and pharmaceuticals are expensive just wait until we have to pay for insulin, liposuction and Pilates classes. We can’t infantilize this country. We have to show them how small steps in diet and exercise and personal responsibility are their only hope.

CCC: Pilates? If that isn’t social engineering, I don’t know what is.

DDV: Too many people are living too long, taking too much medicine and eating too many cheeseburgers.

Intern: You can't blame people for wanting to live longer.

DDV: They should have made preparations.

DPI: It is the perfect storm, but what is the answer?

DDV: Some have advocated for expensive retraining programs. But what good is it to train Americans for jobs if they have to commute to Beijing or Bangalore? Now here's the brilliant part. Given that we have too many old, fat, sick people and not enough jobs, and given that retraining is not a real option, the only solution is this: people can take a page from the Good Book. Love thy older, fatter, sicker neighbor. Faith-based, home-centered rest home jobs for everyone.

DPI: Democrats will call it irony.

DDV: Gentlemen I give you Operation Enduring Bedpan.

DPI: Truly Morning in America

Intern: With a Sponge Bath

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Lyle Graham


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